It's Me Again

[Me Again]

Well, I'm not sure where to begin. About 2 weeks ago, we were cleaning out our offices at work, and I overextended myself. The next two nights, I slept on our couch (no, Dana wasn't mad at me, she was out of town on a retreat). When I got up on Sunday morning, my back was killing me. I've gotten some relief through Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and a muscle relaxer. I really need prayer for my back to get better.

Then, although we got a pay raise recently (first one in two years), I still make about $6,000/yr under the industry average for the state. I applied for two therapist positions, one at my agency and the other at a Christian Mental Health agency in town. I've interviewed for both, and didn't get the one with my agency. I am waiting for a second interview with the Christian agency - I stand a good chance, but have a couple things working against me....

Anyway, the supervisor of the behavioral health department at my agency wanted to talk to me to tell me that he was hiring someone else (a co-worker of mine - she deserves the position). He was concerned that I'm just desperately trying to get out of treatment foster care out of frustration. He was candid with me, as we are fairly good friends; he thinks that I give up too easily on the good ideas that I have. He believes that if I were to follow through on my ideas, I would be happier and many people would be blessed by my ideas.

Well, I think he's right; but, I don't know how to do that. I do give up too easily, always have. Oh, I've followed through on a few things, like my Bachelors and Masters degrees - but I've quit a lot of jobs over the years, as well as most recently quitting my Doctorate program. I am frustrated, and could really use your prayers, ideas, and encouragement (don't be sentimental though, I know you all love me, I just need to get off my ass and get things done).

I've never really experienced anything like I'm feeling right now...a sort of hopelessness. With my weight, my back, the job situation, it's just kind of overwhelming.

On top of that, both vehicles are needing repairs.

Sorry...I'm feeling like Eeyore, of Winnie the Pooh fame.

ed

[Paige]

Praying for you, Ed.

As I was reading over your request, one thought that came to me about it is setting priorities and tackling them one at a time.

I also have a recommendation as to your back. I have a friend with back trouble who swears by this. He says that he can avoid the chiropractor entirely by using this regularly. Here is the link:

http://www.sacrowedgy.com/index.htm

Phil. 4:19 (My prayer for you.)

Paige

[Barry]

Ed,
A few of my own thoughts. Grab what is helpful and toss the rest. :)

"Giving up" is IMHO an inadequate term. Because it is used to "compare" people as if we are all the same. We are however not all the same. There are sometimes reasons why some people tend to get frustrated and quit while other plug along.

This aspect you may have identified in yourself needs to be embraced not rejected or demonized in any way. Acceptance is still vitally important. Such is ultimately helpful in realizing what is going on and why and aid in sticking with something when it is needed.

Creativity and creative thinking are not assets to sticking with things and seeing them through. The problem is that the way our society functions at present such is seen to be less than admirable. Often however it means that others with different tendencies will pick up on what is started and then run with it and carry it through. Such is however "normal" and understandable. It is what makes us different and members of one body so to speak.
Society at present is not yet geared to take advantage of such things and each ones unique attributes. "We are all in this together" is not yet our focus but we are getting there.

Nevertheless, IMHO much of what we are taught to reject about ourselves comes from "condemnation" that we have bought into. We thus wish to hide parts of ourselves, and ignore parts of ourselves and dislike parts of ourselves. Embracing and accepting these parts including weight issues in unconditional love and acceptance is the beginning of placing our "whole" in a better working unite.

These parts can then be reasoned with without issues of self condemnation. For each part that we may tend to dislike has its own attributes and qualities and benefits that can be brought out in the right circumstances. Wherein these parts tend not to develop their own minds feeling disassociated and thus protective of themselves.

Disasosicated parts tend to act out as if they have a mind of their own. In part they do. This is what condemnation does. "Cut off your right hand and cast it from you". "Pluck out your eye and cast it from you". This is how the law works.

A disassociated part tends to develop its own mind due to aspects of self preservation. Integration through love without condition is IMHO part of the solution. Then we can deal with the whole of our individuality as a working unit without condemnation.

In this integration we tend to do better and have more staying power.
We can then address without condemnation our feelings about our life in general and life in general. We can ask ourselves questions about what we are doing and why we are doing what we are doing.

Example:
Am I always in the fridge door? If yes why?
How do I feel about this? Why do I feel this way?
What do I think about food in general?
When do I feel full?
Can I change my mind a bit on enjoying feeling a bit hungry?
And so on and so on.
Do I feel self condemned about any of my feelings? If yes why?
IMHO we do not talk to ourselves enough!

Is stress feeding upon us?
Why do I feel stressed?
Do I feel self condemned by feeling stress?
Can I allow myself to feel some stress without feeling ashamed for feeling it?
And so on and so on.

We do not talk to ourselves in open and positive ways because we feel distaste and shame. This carries forth to our relationships with others. Then when we do talk about it we think of terms of confession of sins. Back again then to sin consciousness.

Final thoughts:
My opinion for whatever benefit you may find in it:
Take a little moment to recuperate from your back strain. A great time to give it all to the Lord.
When you are feeling a bit better try to prioritize your needs with as little worry as possible.
Don't go to sleep trying to think through problems or difficulties.


Just a few thoughts of my own that may or may not have any value to you Bro. Just take what you deem to be of some benifit.

Blessings Barry

[Jack]

Ed I read your testimony and request and you can add my name to those that will pray for you. I have been in a similar setting as yourself for seven years and I shared this (excerpted) on my blog a couple weeks ago as a word of encouragement to others. It might help you to see His purpose in that which you are goin through.

Now, please hear the words of Elwin Roach as he contrasts ..... with those that share the sufferings of Christ that they might become as He, a sweet savoring wine for a parched and thirsting world.


As it was with Him, we too are severely bruised, crushed beneath great pressures as the fruit of every good vine is crushed. However, we hear some saying, as it were, "I am a full grown, ripe grape of God. Royal purple of deity is my covering. I am deliciously sweet with the overflowing presence of God’s life. I know my origin, and I am attached firmly to that everlasting vine. I am, therefore, finished. There is nothing that lies ahead except for me to simply be. For I am, and this I am that I am will feed the nations from the fruit that I am in this perfect state of the I am. In one sense, this may very well be true; but don't we know that once the fruit of the vine is ripe, the time for being plucked has come and the processing to begin? Ripe fruit of the vine of life may be tasty; but creation is not longing for a cup of unprocessed grape juice or clusters of churches, but the new wine, the last wine, the best and finest wine of the ages.

The crushing of Jesus began in the Garden of Gethsemane. It continued throughout the night before the high priest's court of vicious interrogation and false witnesses, and then before Herod and Pilate. The crushing continued by being scourged, taunted, and ended after nine excruciating hours upon the cross .......

We, likewise, are crushed, made helpless, shamed, and we lay dead, as it were, in the darkness of the tomb, in hell, where those good things within that are held captive can be freed to rise with us in resurrection life. We have to go to the depths of our being, the very hell of ourselves in order to lead it all captive. It is then, praise God, we rise victoriously alive as unveiled overcomers in the world that creation so eagerly awaits. And as it was with our Lord, it is by the resurrection from the dead that we are declared the sons of God. That's the way it was with Jesus, and so will it be with us: "And declared...the Son of God with power, according to the spirit of holiness, by the resurrection from the dead." Romans 1:4.

What He finished in Himself and for the world, He will finish in us. He gave up His life by fulfilling Passover, He imparted His life and fulfilled Pentecost, and He will surely fulfill Tabernacles by being gloriously manifested in His body all over the world. Until then, we will be in the fiery process of being made ready for that great Apocalypse. (Roach)

To emphasize this finishing work God is performing in the lives of His precious overcomers allow me also to share a few words by another anointed writer, as he beautifully echoes the preceding thoughts of Roach.

Blessed are you that have gotten into Christ’s fire! Blessed are you that have found His fire in your souls, in whatever fires He has been pleased to send you, and into whatever furnaces He has been pleased to cast you!

"Our hearts and souls are the workshop of God. It is there that He is changing us and bringing us into union with Himself in the spirit. And what a mighty work it is that He is doing there! The change comes not by a wonderful spiritual experience with waves of joy and glory. Oh, no! It is the blow of His hammer that breaks our hard heart! It is the stroke of His ax that strikes at the root of our life! It is the plunge of His pruning knife that cuts away the natural, worldly, and religious things that sap our spiritual strength! It is the furnace heated seven times hot that consumes our dross! It is an overthrow, a shipwreck, utter desolation that He brings to our carnal mind and our old religious ways! It is His bitter cup of suffering that mellows our self-confident spirit! And without ceasing God works the everlasting of God, He neither slumbers nor sleeps, sang David in one of his sublime psalms. Absolutely without sleeping He works. He visits us in our dreams, He searches our reins and instructs us in the night seasons, as if He had no other man’s perfection on His hands but ours! We see, we hear, we taste, we feel Him and His work in us every day and night, and every hour and moment of the day and night! This is the experience of every son of God who walks with Christ in the spirit and is being changed into His image and likeness! (Preston Eby)

"....the cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it?" Jn 18:11

There is a part of the cup that I have drank of, off and on for some years now, and until a month ago I thought no one understood that which I was experiencing. I know we have a tendency to be myopic with our experiences, thinking they are common to all. However, I will not do that here, but delight instead to share with maybe a few that might personally know of this trying phenomena which is the crux and main purpose of this message. This phenomena is the experiencing of our "impotence" and that which I believe are the "last emptyings" that many of God's son's may be going through today. This might also be described as "the state of experiencing the deepest knowledge of our futility." It is this same experience, that I believe, has driven many into today's satanic New Age doctrines where the illusion of power and knowledge temporarily replaces this painful taste of man's futility.

How often, over the last couple years, I would share with my closest confidant, Joian, that I felt like I was just existing, nothing more, nothing less and this was a most horrendous and disparaging feeling. I would tell her how I felt completely inept and lacked any kind of energy to lift myself out of my dire straights which I suffered inward and also outwardly in my life. I would exclaim that, "my life is a mess and I can't do anything about it. And along with my lack of energy, it seems I can't even hear Him for any kind of direction to escape such a horrific fate."
How often I wondered if I was the only one that felt this way. So many times I questioned, "does anyone else feel this great insufficiency and impotence?"

Then one night while surfing around some of my favorite author's sites I came across this writing by as mature a saint as there be in the Kingdom. With my reading of this message I shouted, "Thank God! Some else is going through this and understands." With out any further adieu please allow me share that which gave me so much comfort in knowing there was another one that understood perfectly my feelings of impotence. This below is excerpted from a fuller message by Elaine Cooke.

"If our pursuit of sonship and kingship and priesthood contains any element of desire for a future, for greatness, for a name, for recognition, for power, for SELF we have not yet come to the altar of burnt offering, nor have passed through the consuming fire of God. O Father! Draw us to Thy Tabernacle door. Help us to offer there our offering, ourselves. Thou whose love is a fire, burn up and destroy all that hinders or refuses the triumph of Thy love. Consume the sacrifice and convert it into its own heavenly light nature, transform our beings into flames of love!

........ I now believe that this people have been brought to a place of such utter inability to bring forth even wind because God is about to birth something new a further extension of the Rock cut out without hands, with divine intervention only.

For several years I have been distressed by my inability to be self-disciplined about anything. In my spiritual youth it was necessary and simple. I would say in my heart, "I will no longer do this or that," or, "I will set my heart to seek God" whatever. Once said by the conviction of the Spirit, there was no problem doing it.

I now don’t even bother, for it will not be done! Or, I may manage to do it temporarily, but I cannot sustain it. Never before have I thought the Hand of God was in it to break even pride in my ability to outwork the Life of Christ within.

Now, I know, as Martha W. Robinson learned, that in our outturns of abandonment, we must let God will and do of His good pleasure. We can only cry out in groanings of spirit: "Now Lord hear and do what You have shown must be done in us! And this cry must be as the fire upon the altar never going out until He comes, as He did with Martha. All she was aware of was His presence with her and she didn’t know where self had gone!

This inability we have come to can no longer be used as an excuse for apathy, or for "going fishing", because of a " God’s sovereign He’s going to do it" attitude.

Neither can we produce something that only looks like the real thing. This is the utter death of Jordan’s waters. The Church has operated in this realm for years, producing Ishmaels by the bushel. "Well, I know God’s not doing much, but let’s try and get something happening. I know — we’ll see what the world can suggest." And, so — there they are!

I find myself doing all the "necessaries" and knowing that inwardly the groaning has begun. We’ve prayed all the words for years, but I believe that the Hour of Travail-ing to bring forth is now upon this company. To bring forth only Christ! This is His groaning the travail of His Soul within us and of course, of all creation. How long the travail will last, only He knows. But we know, because we have His Word: "Shall I bring to the birth and not bring forth?" When Zion travails, she shall bring forth the very seed that was planted in her earth!" Cooke

I truly pray that these gleanings I have shared here today might encourage that one or two that, who like me, might have wondered if you are the only one suffering the disparaging "days of impotence." Surely these must be the "last emptyings." I hope so and I'll pray and groan with you dear brother, dear sister ...... you whom God has chosen to send such preparatory affliction, that the world might soon be set free. "Precious, costly, valuable and rare in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints."

Jack & Joian


For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised. For yet in a very little while, He who is coming will come, and will not delay. But My righteous one shall live by faith; And if he shrinks back, My soul has no pleasure in him. But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul. Heb 10:36-39

[Jotham]

You are in my thoughts Ed.

I too have found myself in the Eeyore "club".

Many years ago i had an AHA moment when i took a flight as i'd done many times before but this one was different. I'd been going through some soul searching and was in a melancholy mood when the plane broke above the clouds and there was nothing but blue sky and sun about the plane. It was the Whack-Upside-My-Head i needed to realize once again, in yet another metaphoric example...that God's light is about me always even if all i can see are clouds and rain in my life.

[backtothefuture]

Ed,
Will sing you a prayer on my guitar tonight:biggrinbounce:
Life can be so overwhelming at times. Today I was cleaning the house. I don't get to that much with the pain I am usually in. So as I was vacuuming I was trying to remember that Serenity prayer. (I ripped all or anything close to Christian off my walls 4 years ago) so I was fumbling a lot over the words.
I started with, God grant me the serenity. To aghhhhhh. To accept? Accept what I was thinking?? The things I couldn't change?? or something like that. Something, I remembered about courage. Then, I thought, no this will be to mushy and you didn't want sentimental or mushy.
So I looked on my wall and there was a picture of my husband and I from 6 years ago when we had a Harley Trike. Around the frame it says
Its not the destination its the journey.
So, I was sitting in my rocking chair thinking about your delima. I pictured you in a boat:eek:
And I had you sitting in the middle but the boat was rocking all over because of the storm roaring all about. Some how you needed to get the boat leveled. If you moved to the seat in front of you on the left side of the boat it had written job on it. You could move there and the boat would probably roll to the left. Or you could move to the seat in front on the right that said back pain and the boat would roll to the right.
So then I thought, what about the seat behind you on the left that said weight, and the seat behind you on the right that said car repairs. The boat would probably tilt if you went to either place.
So I decided you were better off right where you were in the middle. And you should throw the life lines to your friends, hence us, to help stabilize your boat while you continue on your journey.
Anyway,
Hope that wasn't to sappy;)
In my prayers,
Nancy

[ozark]

Ed,

One measure of how much we have accomplished in life is certainly how much we have loved. Yet, another I believe is how much we are loved. If the way people ran to this thread is an indicator, you are a man who is loved by many. They don't care if you have Dr. in front of your name.

That is from a human perspective. Consider how much God loves you, and the way we often measure our accomplishments becomes even more silly.

In what matters you have gotten the job done. You have seen and are seeing how much God loves you, and you have given that love to others. Ed, you da man.

[Amie]

Ed,

I can relate to feeling overwhelmed and sort of freezing up in reaction to it. It is so hard sometimes just to do anything at all when I feel that way. Have you dug into yourself and really considered how it is you are feeling when you do stop?

I mean, beating yourself up is the easy way out. Really diggin' in and getting your hands dirty, now that's a challenge.

In "Wake-Up Calls" Eric Allenbaugh describes that repetitive cycle ("I do give up too easily, always have") as a "stuck state". Everytime the alarm goes off, we snooze it - and "If nothing changes, nothing changes". When we notice that we're experiencing a "Wake Up Call", we are at a choice point - we can continue the cycle and stay "stuck in our stuff", or we can do something differently. What was it that Einstein said?.. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. A couple of encouraging quotes from the book (to me) are:

"Our history is not our destiny"

and

"Life does not happen to us, it happens from us"

Here's that prayer Nancy started and I am joining hands in feeling it:

http://www.inkmonkey.com/artgallery/serenity_prayer/images/single_mat/serenity_prayer.jpg

You know the saying? Sometimes, the only way out is through.

Love,

Amie

[Me Again]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling better tonight. Sometimes it is just a matter of putting the frustrations down on paper, or saying them out loud. Thanks for the encouragement (none of which was overly sappy...thank you for that), and the prayers.

And btw Amie, the best part of the serenity prayer is verses two and three:

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things
right if I surrender to His Will
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

This prayer was written by Reinhold Neibuhr, one of the two Evangelical German Reformed brothers who were instrumental in the merger of that denomination with the Congregational Christian Churches to create The United Churches of Christ (where I currently attend). Neibuhr was a great prophetic voice in early America concerning war and our responsibilities to one another as Christians.

[davo]

Hey Ed I'm a bit late in here today but I'm glad you're hangin' tight -- you're a good bloke!! :thumbsup2: