Who Do You Love

[backtothefuture]

For my 100th post, I wanted to do something special. I wanted to write something that shows God's grace. Two years ago when my husband and I had our 25th wedding anniversary, I sobbed. The grief and pain in our marriage and our lives in general was over whelming to me.
Then I did something radical for me. I left organized religion. Sat myself over at bagel church and just gave myself permission to be. To believe, or not to believe, to weep, to be joyful when I could, but just be. During this time, God took me to the Grace place. I was able to not only extend grace to my husband, but to finally get the truth that God loved me.
So to anyone who cares to join me, please write why you love the one or ones you love. Doesn't have to be in a poem. Just express why you love your wife, husband, kids, friends, significant other. Whatever it is to you, and may that love continue to grow in all of our hearts.:)

You Are

You are the morning star within my heart
the warming light within my dark
you are my round trip ticket on a rush to the Milky Way
you are the arms that hold me on those cold and rainy days
and together we still dream
even when the storm clouds breathe
cause the two of us forever will make one
the two of us together will make one.

You are my shelter from the burning sun
my belief when I have none
you are the one who rocks me as I'm healing from my pain
you are the one who offers grace in spite of all my shame
and together we still dream
even when the storm clouds breathe
cause the two of us forever will make one
the two of us together will make one

sometimes our lives got crazy
and our feelings became lazy
the brittle path we walked was split from time to time
the road became less traveled
as our hearts became unraveled
but we found each other before we crossed the line

and
you are the morning star within my heart
the light within my dark
and together we still dream
even when the storm clouds breathe
cause the two of us forever will make one
the two of us together will make one.
NL

For Randy
Because of Grace

[Paige]

Nancy,

I'm not going to even attempt to be poetic. Your poetry is so beautiful!

I am so grateful that God brought Dave and me together in marriage. In every way it seems we are a team. He is strong in all the areas that I need more strength. He loves much more unconditionally than I have, and has really shown me what I never saw in my own parents. He has been a wonderful father to our kids. He has their love and respect because of his selfless giving over all the years. It has been a wonderful experience to "grow up" with him beside me. :)

Paige

[backtothefuture]

Paige,
That was lovely:)

Wishing you many wonderful years together.
Nancy

[Laren]

For my 100th post, I wanted to do something special. I wanted to write something that shows God's grace. Two years ago when my husband and I had our 25th wedding anniversary, I sobbed. The grief and pain in our marriage and our lives in general was over whelming to me.
Then I did something radical for me. I left organized religion. Sat myself over at bagel church and just gave myself permission to be. To believe, or not to believe, to weep, to be joyful when I could, but just be. During this time, God took me to the Grace place. I was able to not only extend grace to my husband, but to finally get the truth that God loved me.
So to anyone who cares to join me, please write why you love the one or ones you love. Doesn't have to be in a poem. Just express why you love your wife, husband, kids, friends, significant other. Whatever it is to you, and may that love continue to grow in all of our hearts.:)

You Are

You are the morning star within my heart
the warming light within my dark
you are my round trip ticket on a rush to the Milky Way
you are the arms that hold me on those cold and rainy days
and together we still dream
even when the storm clouds breathe
cause the two of us forever will make one
the two of us together will make one.

You are my shelter from the burning sun
my belief when I have none
you are the one who rocks me as I'm healing from my pain
you are the one who offers grace in spite of all my shame
and together we still dream
even when the storm clouds breathe
cause the two of us forever will make one
the two of us together will make one

sometimes our lives got crazy
and our feelings became lazy
the brittle path we walked was split from time to time
the road became less traveled
as our hearts became unraveled
but we found each other before we crossed the line

and
you are the morning star within my heart
the light within my dark
and together we still dream
even when the storm clouds breathe
cause the two of us forever will make one
the two of us together will make one.
NL

For Randy
Because of Grace

I know this thread is old, and I do want to answer your question, but first i am going to share some of my life.

I was struck by your post. My marriage is very similar prior to the healing that has taken place in yours.

I met my wife when I was 19. We met in September at college, a very strict Christian college. We fell in "fatuation", and spent every minute we could together. The college was not pleased that we demonstrated affection in public (their rule was hand holding only) and we liked to hug, be affectionate. I grew up in a very legalistic home, do what is right. God saves us by grace, but we grow in him by obedience. My wife grew up in a broken home, full of violence, drugs, and abuse. She somehow chose a life opposite of those, which is great, but the wounds were still deep. A very afraid person to let someone get emotionally intimate.

And me, with the sense of constant failure in God's eyes, also very afraid of failing, not performing etc.

Well beyond the pressure of the college telling us to "cool down", we also had sex before marriage. For me, a huge guilt issue.

Out of what now I think was guilt, I suggested to Kim that we get married. In my mind "make everything right", plus I was in love.

Loved every minute I spent with Kim. We first set out to get married in June of the following year, but then changed our mind and planned a wedding and got married in February ( 5 months after the first time we met, and only 19 years old).

Well anyway, we got married. It was awesome. Two young kids in love. i was going to school. However, the next month, Kim got pregnant. 9 months later, Jade my beautiful daughter was born. We both were and still are very committed parents. I now have 3 great kids. Jade is now 20, Zach is 17, and my son Bryley is 12.

I finished college, and Kim has been a wonderful mom. But over the last 20 years of marriage, the inability of either one of us to be "OK" with ourselves hindered our ability to love each other.

We have grown far apart (emotionally, and physically). We readily agree our marriage is not good. My wife feels helpless, in that all these years she stayed at home being a mom, forfeiting any career. I believe she would have left a long time ago, if she had a solid career.

I have thot about leaving the marriage many times too, but can not imagine a life without seeing my kids on a daily basis. I also stay together to some degree to avoid the guilt of failing my kids.

During this time of despair with my marriage, I began to seek God. At first i think it was in order for him to fix my marriage, and also as an outlet to "shut out life" (sit on the computer for hours upon hours) But with increased pain, heartbreak and despair, I found HIM. I found Love. Believing it is still a process.

So now I am at this spot. Can I just be. Can I just live. Can I accept God's unconditional love for me. Can I accept that reality is what Love is. Will God heal my marriage at this point? Am I OK if he doesn't? Am I a failure?

All these are the things I live with.

So back to the original question. Who do I love?

I love my wife.

Why? Because God has slowly opened my eyes to the fact that she is not an evil person, one that wants to make me feel like a lousy dad, father, lover. But one who has layers and layers of hurt, shame, guilt, and fear covering her beautiful heart-JESUS.

I love JESUS in her.

Not always do i see him, but usually this is because i am too busy hating the layers of crap around my heart too, the heart of JESUS.


Thank you all for creating an environment where i feel safe sharing this.

Laren

[backtothefuture]

Laren,
Thanks for sharing. That was such an inspiring post for me. My husband turns 56 today and myself in September. We will be married 29 years in November.
If it wasn't for the grace I have learned here, and learning to especially forgive myself (which still is hard sometimes) we would not still be together.
I put so much pressure on what I thought he should be. Instead of letting my husband be who God wanted him to be. Once I got that through this thick skull of mine, the healing started.
I never in a million years thought it would be the way it happened. I thought he would totally morph into this fantastic Christian person, of which I have since found out there are none:biggrinbounce:
I use to say that God gave me Randy so he could learn compassion. But now I see that God gave me Randy so I could learn grace.
I also was thinking last night about how as a woman we are so taught the Cinderella syndrome I call it. That price charming will come along and rescue us from life. But what I have learned is God doesn't necessarily want any of us rescued, but wants us to walk though what he has given us, to shape us and grow us and to most of all learn about grace. Its an on going lesson for me.
Thank you for sharing,
Blessings,
Nancy

[Laren]

Thanks Nancy for responding. I almost didnt' hit submit after i wrote my post. I believe there is healing in sharing our fears, failures, and inner self. I want to quit ignoring them/me, quit burying them/me; and try to accept them as part of me, who I am.

Grace is amazing. It lets us be us, and others be them. Staying in our own business and not others is hard. Trusting God that he is working in all and for his glory.

I read a real good book lately, some might be interested in.

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=12663&p=1010575


Laren

[backtothefuture]

Thanks for the book info Laren.
I asked my husband to buy it and we can read it together under our big shade tree:biggrinbounce:
Blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

I believe there is healing in sharing our fears, failures, and inner self. I want to quit ignoring them/me, quit burying them/me; and try to accept them as part of me, who I am.

Grace is amazing. It lets us be us, and others be them. Staying in our own business and not others is hard. Trusting God that he is working in all and for his glory.

Interestingly enough (I think), is that your courage to be open, encourages others.

Tending to your business, is still living as a model for others. One of my favorite quotes is, "My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

The saving choices that you make for yourself, makes you a hero.

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Amie,
How long does it take do you think for a person to save choices for themselves and learn to take care of their own needs?
This use to seem so selfish to me and now I know better. But still have a hard time taking care of me.

Nancy

[Amie]

Nancy,

As Dr. Phil would say, "Life is not cured, it's managed."

I so agree with you about the "Cinderella syndrome", and think that human beings as a whole hope for a Superhero of some sort to come and save the day. Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Sheera, etc -- all manifestations of glorious fantasies.

When I was 12 or so, I rode my first waterslide. Already because it was high, I was scared. THEN, it was some sort of painted concrete so you had to stay on the mat. There were lots of horrible rumors about kids being skinned going down it. Oh, and there was the churning water at the bottom. Legend had it that the filter system was sooo powerful, that kids got sucked under and through the vent holes in pieces!

Per my perception, this thing could have been a living, breathing, T-rex. I tended to rebel against my fear (I still do from time to time) and eventually worked up the nerve to get in line. My brother encouraged me, and also told me that once I was in line, I couldn't go back. I believed it, lol.

I honestly don't even remember looking when I sat down on it, ready to launch. I just remember getting to the water and sort of freaking out to swim out of there. In the distance, I heard my Dad shouting something faint. I couldn't make it out over the terror that I was experiencing. Why wasn't my brother grabbing me and pulling me out? Where were the lifeguards!?! "Somebody save me!" I thought.

But it was my Daddy, and knowing his presence helped me to calm down a bit. My Daddy was smarter and tougher than any Daddy after all ;). And then, I heard him... "Amie!.... STAND UP!"

Then I did. hahahahaha!! The line had stopped moving while people waited for me to come to my senses, lol!

Life is like that you know. God is in the distance telling everyone who is terrified to "stand up". He has equipped us and made this a safe place for us. That's not to say that there are no currents and things in our little wade pools that create challenges. That's the whole "managing" part.

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Amie,
You said, God is in the distance telling everyone who is terrified to "stand up"
I just loved that. Kind of swallowed some courage after reading that.
There are days when even though the grace I have learned here has helped me so much and the coming to the understanding more about fulfillment has had a big impact in my life, but still I find myself telling God, even out loud that I am afraid more than I would like to.
But at least now, I feel free to tell God this. Its healing in an odd sort of way for me.
Today I sat out in the 90 degree heat and watched a hawk for a long time. Just circling in between the clouds. I wondered who he would devour for his lunch time meal. Would his attack be for sport or for nourishment.
Would he grab a baby bunny or bird.
I just sort of thought of the hawks still in my own life. Sometimes I think someone or something is after me for sport. Kind of like playing a bad trick. But Maybe God means those things to be nourishing to me and help me to live in love and without fear in the kingdom.
Just depends what kind of eyes you are looking with I suppose:biggrinbounce:
blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

You know what? I think that "God in the distance" would be better conveyed, "God's distant voice" - since he's present and all.

Nancy,

Lately you don't seem like a fuzzy bunny victim type, those hawks had better watch out! haha!

Seriously, doesn't it take more strength to allow yourself to feel afraid, or to actually be vulnerable, than the opposite?

Amie