License to Bitch

[Amie]

I'm interested in your thoughts, if you're interested in sharing them, on this article that I posted last week:

http://www.womenbeyond.com/foodforthought/licensebitch.html

Amie

[alicia]

HI Amie,

Liked the article. The only thing I can say about "complaining" is that I try not to do it too often. Not to be a martyr or anything, but complaining does lose its credability over time. If it becomes chronic, then most will just throw their arms in the air and resign to the fact that there is no pleasing the person. At least that's the way I am. I listen, try to help, offer options, then pretty much put it in the other person's lap.

Most of my friends are the same way. We vent, but get over it quickly, so a bad day is a RARE occurance rather than a frequent one, and we can say just about anything we want.

I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by very real people and have for my own health weeded the "toxic" ones out. Yes, I consider people who will not allow anything "negative" to be extremely toxic, unrealistic, and shaming. I avoid them like the plague. Not they will never come around, it simply isn't healthy for me and choose not to be around it.

Alicia

[alicia]

I probably ought to clarify a little. People who are empathetic and encouraging are the ones I most enjoy being around. When my thoughts are interrupted and put down is what I think is unhealthy. Comisserating goes the same way. That doesn't do much good but feed the fire and rarely offers a good solution.

JUst my thoughts,

Alicia

[Amie]

Alicia,

I think that we see things the same way. Like I wrote in the article, if someone just wants to hate life we have a choice to make ourselves.

Interesting choice of words, "credibility". Would you say that it's like hearing the same negativity over and over again makes a person numb and disables empathy?

What do you mean by "comisserating"?

I see what you mean too about thoughts being interrupted and put down. That can be another sort of "toxic" energy drain - like the chronic negativity. Criticism is a tough one to make a lot of sense of for me. I see value in sharing our different points of view without condemning someone else's point of view. Maybe we see things differently often. How we handle those differences is important.

Personally, I've learned a lot through my relationship with Ed. He and I do see the biggest things in common I think, but there are a lot of details that we appear to have different points of view on. So how to value one another just as we are, and to share ourselves with kindness, for me anyhow, has been a learning process.

I think that friendships like that are groundbreaking because lessons resulting from them contribute to harmony and diversity. I've found that in most circles, the folks in the circles have to be so close to seeing things alike in order to get along or to have respect for one another.

I think that it is awesome that we can talk about complaining and share where our boundaries lie and how we have approached it or dealt with it in our lives. I can connect to what you are saying about "no pleasing the person". For me, it is fully accepting the reality that they are, like I said before, just going to hate life. Is this saying something about you and I? Like, does everyone have to be pleased? And I hadn't really put a lot of thought into why that it is so hard to live with. Maybe it has to do with empathy and being exposed to the constant connection with mysery?

Just talkin',

Amie

[alicia]

HI Amie,

What I meant about "credability" in this sense was that if I tend to hear alot of complaints most of the time about different things, it does lose its effect because it makes me wonder if anything can make this particular person happy. There goes that phrase again...but I might add, if that same person comes back and is ecstatic about something, it tends to grab my attention because I want to know what the cure was :) I like a challenge! I really don't take either way too personally, and try to keep a sense of humor about it.

Does everyone have to be pleased? No. Not by me, anyway. I would be more than happy share the load --after 12 hours of "poof what do you need---poof what do you need --poof what do you need" (as the Genie from Alladin so eloquently put it), when I am at home I am more than ready for a little role reversal as I'm sure most people are.

Commisserating to me is where a group holds on to issues that really need to be let go of and move on, refuse to see the other side to resolve it, or where it actually becomes more destructive than productive. You know me, I like to keep moving :) And maybe that's something I need to work on...maybe I need to see it as the potential beginning of a resolution in and of itself. I never stick around long enough to find out :)

Alicia

[Amie]

I see what you mean per "commisserating". It's like getting tires stuck and spinning without any productivity. Although we could practice patience, and have, growth in that area in the relationship tends to be stunted. I like growth too.

A dedication :D: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x3W6hutEj8

Amie