Hard to know what to do

[backtothefuture]

I would surely appreciate your prayers on a situation that is both painful and emotional for my husband especially.
My Husbands brother and wife have not spoken to us in 12 years. They live 2 blocks from our house. There was a major blow out with the brothers 12 years ago and the entire situation just broke us beyond words.
My sister in law did call my husband 2 months ago to say his brother has been diagnosed with ALS. That is Lou Gehrig disease. He is only 59. That was the first call in years. So I gave her credit for at least calling us.
My husband is really afraid on what to do next. I actually ran into my sister in law and brother in law at the library on Wednesday. And I did speak to them. My brother in law is going down really fast. Getting a feeding tube this week and will die a horrible death.
All this on top of my 90 year old dad dying a terrible death and my mom very sick.
Any suggestions on how to break the ice. We have called them, but they have not called back. We could take a walk and stop at there house. But beyond that I don't know what to do. They chose not to talk to us. We begged them to explain certain things they did. But we can't go back. What is done is done.
My husbands brother likes music and my husband is kind of famous with all his friends for making variety Cd's with all kinds of music on them. I thought maybe he could burn one and we could walk over there and give it to Bob.
How to others here, handle situations when a family member is dying but they have made no contact with you in years.
I guess we just can't figure out, how much to get involved. Took me years to let it go and settle down from the pain of it all.
Any help?
Thanks
Nancy

[Me Again]

If they have voice mail, I would start by leaving a message, over and over and over again, that says, "hey Bob, just wanted you to know that I love you and am praying for you." Then pray.

God will take care of the rest.

[~Katherine]

You could send the CD by mail if you want to burn one for them maybe. Anything you could do that would be unobtrusive and not send a message that says anything about you not understanding or needing them to explain themselves.

What one struggles over isn't about other people but oneself. This means what mystifies us about others. It means what bugs others about you. We confuse ourselves and project our confusions onto others.

Feuds are fueled by regular infusions of ego.... Self. I would avoid doing that, allow whatever growth is possible at this point to take place as it will and not try to direct it.

By not being there in person, whatever it is that others struggle with and fight over is not likely to re-ignite and be pointed in your direction. So staying out of their face and just doing something small to let them know you care ... whatever you think they could hear as care .. whatever is most likely to seem like care to them.

I don't know about doing things over and over and over. Even just once may be all they need (unless you feel urged to go beyond that). People remember without repetition.

~Katherine

[Amie]

Nancy,

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling sis. My suggestion would be to be supportive in ways that you can be supportive. For example, worrying about dinner is a stress that you could take off of them by getting gift cards, cooking something and bringing it over, or buying groceries. If you have their address, the local electric company would probably take a payment from you towards their account because you don't have to have their personal info to give. If the kids need clothes, cars need fixing, grass needs mowing, etc -- all of those are ideas that come to my mind about giving. Your brother may stay firm for the rest of his life, but you can perhaps rest easy knowing that you have given him small bits of comfort.

In the meanwhile, I love ya!

Amie

[Me Again]

Just wanted to clarify a possible misunderstanding. When I used the expression "over and over and over again," what I meant was that you never cease telling them that you love them. Expressing love to someone is never a fruitless endeavor.

I didn't mean to bug the hell out of them by calling them all hours of the night telling them that you love them. Nor did my suggestion exclude practical ACTS of love, which I assumed from the description of the current events was perhaps not possible. If doing practical acts of love is possible, however, I highly recommend it.

Oh, btw, and pray!

[backtothefuture]

Thanks everyone.
Just when we thought we had let this entire situation go after years of pain and therapy to help us get closure. Now this.
My husband has left 3 messages for his brother and he has not called back.
My husband had told my sister in law, he would drive his brother to the hospital in Chicago if she needed help.
My husband won't call and say he loves his brother, because he doesn't. So that is kind of a mute point at this point.
I just heard yesterday from one of the cousins that my brother in laws son had moved back home, so that will help.
I did think of the gift cards for meals out, accept now Bob, the brother has a feeding tube so I didn't want that to come across poorly.
Anyway, thanks for the input and the prayers. I am praying about the situation .
Blessings,
Nancy

[backtothefuture]

Just wanted you all to know that my husband went to see his brother last week. It went really well. For a long time they just looked at old hitch hiking pictures and sat face to face. Hmmmmmmmmmm I thought. Just like what God likes us to do. Sit face to face with him, what ever the situation.
There were moments of silence, hard to understand sentences, but over all it was a start. My husbands birthday was Friday and his brother did call to say happy birthday.
I don't expect a warm and fuzzy outcome, but maybe some peace in spite of the pain, some smiles in spite of the sorrow, and to walk with his brother through death as we continue to walk in life, no matter how hard, how difficult or how uncomfortable it may seem.
I remind myself of my verse this year. God has not given me the spirit of fear.
Thanks everyone for all the great suggestions.
Nancy

[Amie]

I'm really glad to hear that things are going well Nancy!