Prodigal Son

[backtothefuture]

Hi all,
I had a little light bulb this weekend and I am not sure how to process what I am feeling.
When we read about the prodigal son in the Bible. The story tells us that a son went away and spent all his fortunes and when he came home, his father welcomed his with opened arms. His brothers were not as excited about this.

Well, I have an older brother that left home in 1970 to enlist in the military. He lives in Florida. My other siblings and parents and myself all live within 5 minutes of one another in Illinois. He has come home maybe 10 times in 35 years. Has not helped at all with our parents, but when he does come home, he is treated like a king by my parents.

My siblings and myself and husband here have financially taken care of my parents for over 20 years. I have called him many times in tears begging him to send even 5 dollars, but he won't. Now my dad is dying and we have run since June to the hospital and stores and everywhere, just worn out.

My brother came in last weekend for a visit. He came late at night on a Friday night, and left early Sunday morning. The week before was my folks 60th, but he didn't want to come for that and didn't give a card or anything.

So this is my dilemma. My siblings and myself put money in their cards. Which my folks turned around and took my brother for some nice meals and got all his favorite things in the house.

I don't get it. I sat down in my rocking chair and wondered. Was this how it was when the prodigal son came home. We have keep our parents a float for years. Its drained us all. Yet when my brother comes home, he is treated royally and has done nothing to help. So has he been the smart one and set boundaries and said from day one figured they are on their own, he is not helping? Have my brother here and my sister and myself, wanted my parents love and approval so badly that we have taken on the burden of their care all these years and now feel, jealous and hurt by the love that is bestowed on our brother?

The bottom line that kind of took me by surprise is my realization that my Mother loves my brother. She loves him unconditionally, just like I do my children and God loves me. This has really been hard for me to swallow.

Am I really just selfish and wanting something even if it was Love in return for the years I have spent taking care of my parents?
My dad is dying. I don't know how I feel about that. My mom says, my older brother stays in the will, even though he has done nothing, carried none of the burden like we have.

Is God fair?
Does it matter in the end anyway?

Nancy:(

[Paige]

Nancy,

Do you feel unloved by your parents? In your post you didn't describe how your parents responded personally to all of you who are caring for them, so I was wondering whether they acknowledged those efforts.

The prodigal son is a story about God's radical love, IMO. So is the parable of the workers in the vineyard who got paid the same no matter how many hours they worked. These stories illustrate how unlike us God is.
I'm thankful that God's love is that big, because if I was in a competition with everyone else in order to earn it, I would lose (of this I'm sure).


The bottom line that kind of took me by surprise is my realization that my Mother loves my brother. She loves him unconditionally, just like I do my children and God loves me. This has really been hard for me to swallow.

Putting myself in your shoes, I can see how easy it is to feel the way you do. I don't know if this helps or not, but I'll say it anyway. You and your siblings have gained something that your brother can never buy for himself through the situation you've been living in. When your parents leave this earth, will you ever be plagued with doubt about whether or not you contributed enough to them while they lived? It has been a financial sacrifice, but can you say it has also been enriching in any way?

I don't know if I've helped, and hopefully I haven't made things worse by responding here. Continue to examine how you are feeling, and see how things sit.

Prayers with you,
Paige

[christyG]

Nancy,

As always your open and honest heart are so refreshing. I truly do not know many people like you.:)

I do not want to psycho-analyze or even make light of that, but it sounds like maybe your eldest brother struggles with intimacy and showing affection? Maybe I'm way off, but it sounds like he avoids being around the family as a whole---showing up late at night, missing the aniversary, etc...Maybe he does not feel comfortable in those situations. I am the youngest in a BIG family and most of us have been away from home at some point but all have returned accept my eldest sister. She is also away most of the time and for the most part disconnected. Maybe it's an eldest sibling thing.:) Again, I do not mean to make light of your situation.

Families are funny and we all handle situations in our own way. No one way is more right than another IMO. I know you know that.

I'd like to think that in the story of the Prodigal son that the brothers eventually talked and resolved their differences and they all lived happily ever after.:)

Christy

[Amie]

Nancy,

Your story does sound similar to the prodigal son to me. How hard it must have been for the sons that stayed with their father to give up their old identity as God's people/faithful sons to gain life! But.. What was that life?

In the bible story, most of them were martyred on behalf of the prodigal sons by choice. They must have gained something that they in turn wanted to give?


You and your siblings have gained something that your brother can never buy for himself through the situation you've been living in.

I agree and see that gain as time and relationship with your parents.


Am I really just selfish and wanting something even if it was Love in return for the years I have spent taking care of my parents?

Why oh why is "selfish" viewed so often as bad? I don't think that it is always bad. We brush our teeth, take showers, eat, drink, and go to the doctor if we are sick and hurt yet when it comes to taking care of ourselves emotionally we tend to feel guilt.

There is some learning in the answer to your question (the answer only you have). IF you did want something in return, what was it and can you give it to yourself? (<--rhetorical) Maybe hearkening to that "selfishness" and tending it will enable you to care for your parents without wanting something back, know what I mean?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Thanks all for your kind and encouraging responses. I think this is just another learning block for me on my journey of healing and coming into the really understanding part of fulfillment.
I can not honestly believe God loves me and that same God doesn't love my brother, no matter how it looks. It was a real shocker for me to see that is still the mentality I have. No matter how far I think I have come, I still hold anger and hurt and that want to get even down in my heart. I don't want to, but I do. I want to think that I will be rewarded for my sacrifice and love. And in my family's case, that probably won't happen.

My dad is 87 and dying. 3 years ago, I would have stood at the casket and said goodbye with not many a kind word. He has said some terrible things to me over the years. And my younger brother. When I started to come out of my grief and into presence of Gods love, face to face, my hurt started to melt and I took a deep breath and tried once again to have some kind of relationship with both my parents. But its just not there. They live 5 minutes from me, and I can't stand to go home to the house I grew up in. When we had my parents 60th anniversary party there 2 weeks ago, I actually had to take anxiety medicine just to be in the house. There are no happy memories for me there. But still, I have taken care of them. I just wonder now if in a subconscious way, if I was still looking for something. Some love, acceptance, anything that showed they cared about me.

So when my brother comes into town, who has done nothing all these years, it just makes me nuts. And thinking that he is loved unconditional by my mom, just stings.

My sister and brother up by me, we didn't take care of them, we didn't think anyway, to get anything back. But then again, we didn't know it would be almost 30 years that we have put food on the table, paid medical bills, ran to the hospital a zillions times and had barely even a thank you from them. This past summer, my dad has finally said thank you. But not I love you. I am 55 years old and my dad has never said he loved me. Our mother, once or twice.

Five years ago, I started my walk in the wilderness. I learned to sit and pain and suffering. 2 years ago, I learned how abandonment was a twin to the fear that I walk around with. This week, I learned a lesson about the prodigal son, that opened my eyes to my moms unconditional love for one child and how that relates to Gods unconditional love for me. Something about the story bothers me. I am not sure what yet.
Maybe the real twist to this story is that I really love my dad. Something that wouldn't be possible without my belief now that I have. Maybe I am sad he is dying now, just when I figured out I can love him. My brother being here last week, was the piece of the puzzle that was missing for me. I had to really think about unconditional love, what looks fair and what is fair, and in the end does it really matter. Somehow, realizing my moms love for her son. It touched me. On a mother to mother playing field. We usually don't see eye to eye on any issue. But I can feel her love on this issue. Its not with me. But maybe that is enough for me, if I can see that its a least possible with her.

Nancy

[Amie]

I want to think that I will be rewarded for my sacrifice and love.

If you aren't already feeling some reward personally for what you do, maybe it would be good not to wait for a reward from someone else? Go ahead and reward yourself, you deserve it :).

I'd bet that it was painful for you that your Dad doesn't say that he loves you. Does his not saying it mean that he doesn't love you in your experience with him?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Thanks Amie for the response.
Does my dad not love me, because he never has said he has. I just have to hope that he does.
He has never told any of us kids he loves us, so we are all equal in that scenario.
I don't think he knows how to show love really. My mom says his dad was a mean old son of a gun. But his mom, my grandma was a saint. The most kind of loving woman. She use to always say, that my grandpa's bark was worse than his bite. I never knew her, but my mom says, I am a lot like her. I have her wedding picture from 1913 hanging on my wall here by my computer. I ask her sometimes, what she was like, and what in me is like her. I look at her eyes, trying to find something in her that is talking to me.

I am the peacemaker the family. The organized one, the one everyone calls when they have a problem. My husband already has a memorial video made for when dad passes and I am talking to the funeral home in a few days. Things no one has even thought of. So when the time comes, my mom won't have to worry about any of that. Maybe I trigger something in my dad about his mom. I never thought of that until now. Maybe he didn't appreciate her love and sacrifice for him until it was to late. Gives me something to think about.

As for my older brother. I guess he is who he is. I have learned one thing, these past few years and you can't change anyone. He probably has his own pain and sorrow that never has been dealt with. He decided to never really come home for a reason. Maybe one day he will be honest with me and tell me.

Blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

I don't think he knows how to show love really.

Do you have any fond memories of being with him?


Some love, acceptance, anything that showed they cared about me.

They may never do that. Have you made the choice to care for them even if that never happens? What kinds of rewards are there besides the ones that they may not give you?


As for my older brother. I guess he is who he is. I have learned one thing, these past few years and you can't change anyone.

That's so true! Just knowing that gives you an ability to have an honest relationship with someone - if you even choose to :).

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Hi Amie,
I have no fond memories of being with my dad. Part of my problem is I have no childhood memories hardly at all. When my brothers and sister talk about things, sometimes I say, where was I during this or that. I have no recollection of hardly anything accept having no fond memories.

I do have something that shows my parents do care more than I thought. 2 years ago, they bought me a music box with the 23rd psalm on it. So that showed me, they at least were trying to recognize who I was and am. So that was really special.

I made the choice to care for them anyway, many years ago. One day, the hurt won't be as strong. With my dad dying, I think I am just getting stirred up again. I want to believe in unconditional love, but have seen that I am not practicing what I am preaching. I can believe that for myself, but realizing that I have to put my family in that basket...well, my basket tipped over:rolleyes:

I am kind of whats in the sandwich years. Caring for sick adult children. Caring for sick elderly parents and dealing with my own physical problems.
Its a big burden to carry. My sister and brother and our families have spent a lot of time at hospitals, and crying and working to take care of our families and parents. So when our older brother comes home to all the glory, it stings. And I guess I don't like it:eek: I don't like to think he is accepted for who he is, not what he does:eek: (I think I had this conversation already!)

Anyway, thanks for the input.
Nancy:confused:

[Amie]

lol! Yep Nancy,

We did have that conversation before (http://talk-grace.com/showthread.php?t=325) :).


As always your open and honest heart are so refreshing.

She's right and I truly appreciate it. I enjoy our conversations.

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Amie,
I am so thankful, you help me remember where I have been:)
Thanks for all the input
Nancy