Help

[sarahb]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone else has gone through what I'm feeling. I am a stay at home mom of a 4 and 6 year old. I am normally an easy going person and not moody, but lately it has been difficult. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown sometimes. Little things overwhelm me. Noise, a dirty house, an undone budget, etc., make me on edge. Today is especially bad. I had to tell my kids to leave me alone because I knew that I didn't feel right physically, like something isn't right. I am extremely irritable and I'm usually not like that.

This is hard for me to write, but I like to drink wine at times. It seems that I am drinking more lately, like I can't wait until I start cooking so I can drink a glass of wine to ease my nerves, well 2 really full glasses.

Has anyone gone through this?

Sarah

[Paige]

Sarah,

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? Why I ask is that you could be experiencing some hormonal shifts or imbalances. The shift in hormones has a very large impact on your feeling of well-being.

I would not suggest that you take synthetic hormones, but there are all natural products (Restored Balance is one that I have taken). They are transdermal (applied to the skin in your soft tissue areas). It can be a real help!

Also, how much fresh air, sunshine, and exercise are you incorporating into your everyday life? Winter can bring on a lack of these things, and that can also increase the amount of stress you are aware of as compared to normal.

These are just a few starter suggestions. I have been there before (I'm not a drinker, so I don't know what that does to the equation), and these are some practical things I incorporated into my daily routine. I know you have a close relationship with the Lord, so it goes without saying that your first line of "defense" is to pray for His strength to see you through these trying times victoriously. I'll be praying for you as well. I hope that doesn't sound contrite or hollow.

Paige

[sarahb]

Hey Paige,

No you do not sound contrite or hollow, I appreciate what I can get. I am 32, so I don't think I would be going through menopause. I exercise pretty regularily, 3-5 times a week. I'm pretty healthly. I was recently on weight watchers and lost 20lbs and am now at my ideal weight. :) I don't know, maybe it's in my head.

Love, Sarah

[Amie]

Sarah,

Maybe some unresolved issues are coming to a head for you? That can feel physical, believe me (been there). I can totally relate to going through the things that you describe on the unresolved, "where the hell did that come from" level.

However there are a number of physical things that can cause that, especially for us gals. Hormonal imbalances can happen at any age, and something as simple as a cyst on the ovary can seen them spiralling. What we eat can create adverse reactions, too high a fever can alter the make up of the brain (they've found that many cases of OCD onset after a high fever for example, a virus can even mess with us.

One thing that is often overlooked are issues with sleep. Look at this from an article here (http://209.85.165.104/search?q=cache:AXFEelbhvYoJ:www.sleep-deprivation.com/+sleep+deprivation&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=us&ie=UTF-8):


Exhaustion and fatigue affect our emotional moods, causing pessimism, sadness, stress and anger. The National Sleep Foundation (NSF) has suggested that social problems such as road rage may be caused, in part, by a national epidemic of sleepiness.

The brain's frontal cortex relies on sleep to function effectively. Insufficient rest adversely affects the frontal cortex's ability to control speech, access memory, and solve problems. The effect on physical energy is also startling: otherwise healthy people quickly show symptoms of age and early diabetes as glucose metabolism falls by up to forty percent. These physical reactions disappear when the test subject is allowed to rest properly. Driving and other activities can become dangerous without sufficient rest.

I can tell you that I've also lived with sleep issues and felt the way that you are describing.

You could be experiencing a combination of things. What is your instinct telling you?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Hi Sarah,
I read your post last night, but just didn't want to shoot back empty words. I prayed for you last night and every time I woke up.
What you are feeling, I think a lot of us moms have gone through with small kids Life in general at those ages and trying to run a house hold. It can be and is overwhelming.
I also know that as our views change on what we believed spiritually, sometimes the transformation is difficult at times. When I first came into what I believe now about fulfillment, for me it really added to my grief in the beginning. But it also helped me for the first time to be honest with God about my entire life. If you could have seen me two years ago Sarah, walking through this small town, crying and yelling and talking at God, you would have seen a sight. But I let God have it. I let him have it all. I felt like at times I was like Jacob, fighting the angel myself. As I look back now through that time of pain, and suffering and waiting, I am just in awe that I am in such a different place now. So since I wasn't stuck down for letting God know just how I felt, I learned to trust that how I felt was ok, and I didn't have to be ashamed ever for going to God for what I was feeling.
Now, somethings I did in our early years with small kids that helped me. Both my kids had a lot of physical problems and so did I, so being overwhelmed was the normal, I thought in those years.
I used our local library a lot. Maybe thats one reason our adult daughter is now a librarian there:biggrinbounce: They had a reading time twice a week for kids about your kids age. It was free and while they were getting a story time, I had an hour to myself to look at books or magazines. Now they have lots of computers and games and video's that are all free to use.
I also got 2 hours once a week just for me. My husband gave the kids dinner and I usually went to target and just wondered around, or for 10 years straight I met my best friend for a coke and we just talked.
Also, lots of Churches have what is called a Steven's Minister. It is a free service. Even if you are in a different place with your theology, they are warm, caring woman who are trained to listen and pray with you.
My husband and I also had a date night once a week. Since we were so broke, we made a plan every Saturday night to put the kids to bed a little early and we rented a movie and I usually made popcorn.
Also, Since I am on disability now, we decided as a family what was more important, a clean house or eating! I can't do it all. So we eat out about 3 times a week. Last night we just had the chili at Wendy's for 99 cents and a small salad for 99 cents. We have found ways to incorporate eating out into our budget. We share meals and also I want you to know, that lots of places have kids eat free on certain nights. So maybe even once a week you can do something like that. I really look forward to our eat out nights. The house and kitchen especially stays clean and I am than not overwhelmed by having to clean it all up. I am just today going to run my dishwasher in 3 days.
This morning we are off to Bagel church which we just love. That gives us a place of community.
Another thing I wanted to mention, is I did go into menopause at 35. Its un usual, but I did. I am 55 now and just getting through it all. People here will say there is no hell!! But I swear that is where my hormones where from:biglaugha:
But most important, if you feel you just can not cope than please check in with your doctor. You don't have to suffer or feel guilty for taking some medicine if thats what is needed to help ease your anxiety. I have a panic disorder and have taken a small dose of something for years. The neat thing is, as I have settled down, especially as I have found grace with God that was here all along, my anxiety has gone way down.
My husband and I do the bills together now. It has taken 25 years, but we are doing pretty well. That way neither one of us is responsible for the budget, its a together thing.
Lean on God Sarah, Maybe you are really in a little cocoon and underneath you are wiggling and squirming trying to sprout your beautiful butterfly wings. Don't fight it. Stop today and feel where you are and tell God and see how your day turns out.
Blessings,
Nancy

[sarahb]

Amie,

you said,


You could be experiencing a combination of things. What is your instinct telling you?


My instinct is telling me that I am going through many mental changes, with understanding God and the Bible, and feeling driven to 'figure it out'. I have this weight on my shoulders regarding my kids. I want to teach them what I feel in my heart is true concerning the God, but I don't have it figured out so I don't teach them anything, except that God is big and nice and He loves them. I fear the day when my brother-in-law, a petroleum engineer, and I have 'the talk' regarding religion. (he's the one I confront in my mind's eye) They are baptist, their kids are in Awana's and probably have the bible memorized.

It seems like when I get this overwhelming 'feeling' is when I feel out of control; like when I'm trying to study and my kids are asking for something and I can't concentrate. When I am shopping, and my kids are fighting and I can't concentrate. When I have to clean my house because people are coming over, and make dinner, and discipline the kids, and deal with the fact that I went over budget. It is crazy I feel like this because these are not over-the-top stresses, they are normal everday things.

After writing that, perhaps it is just mental. I was wondering about the psysiological, because at one point when I was feeling this anxiaty, I felt a warmth go through my body. I didn't know if that was hormones or what.


Back to the Future,

Thank you for praying. That means a lot. That is a great idea about the library, that would be nice. You had a lot of great ideas. I do live in a small town of 100 people and am 40 miles away from a city, so going out to eat is a bit of a dilemma, but I'm sure I can figure out something.

I think in my heart I believe that I do need to spend some time alone talking to God. I used to do it a lot, but it was a works thing, now I am feeling drawn back to a little time where I can pour my heart out and listen.

Thank you so much guys. It is nice to hear that others have gone through this. Well, not that I want you to suffer, you know what I mean.

Love, Sarah

[backtothefuture]

Hi Sarah,
I hope today you have a better day. I want you to know that for 2 years I sat before the Lord in what I call pain and suffering. But in the end it turned out to be the quietness and this stillness in my life that helped me hear my heart and find who this person was that God created.
I have come to realize that all of the hardships my family have gone through were part of the process of transforming us into what I call the Grace Place.
I use to lay and bed when I was first on this journey and tell myself over and over, how could I have been so stupid to have believed the way that I did. What have I done to my children. But as God help me see that as just part of the journey I was on, my kids now see Grace instead of a bunch of legalistic junk that I just had to do. My older daughter who is 26 has soaked up a lot of the fundamental background that I put her through, but she also is seeing a new refined and defined mom these days. I have had to let go and realize that my kids have their own path to follow, their own timing on coming into the realization of Gods fulfillment and how that truly plays apart in their lives. The fundamental days were not all bad times. It really was just a starting place on my journey.
You are on a new journey now. Being a mom is a wonderful gift. Its hard on some days, but you will make it.
I tell my friends I carry extra sun tan lotion now from my wilderness walk. I want them to know I am willing to walk with them and help them so they don't get burned up in the process. I am willing to walk with you Sarah.
God gave me an oasis in my wilderness (bagel church). Lets look and see what he has given you. (maybe this place)
Blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

Sarah,

The feelings that you describe, many folks go through when they learn something brand new that only affects everything ;). My friend says that it goes from like "Ohhh", to "Uh-oh!" I would say that you're in your "uh-oh" moment! I bet you that everyone here can attest to going through it at least once in their lives.

Presence hosts a course called "Transformations" that really gets into the details on it. Kevin Beck leads it, I'm the side-kick (haha). You might find it helpful.

Have you ever studied Romans 14? The "weaker brother" in that chapter, is the one still clinging to food laws. They were afraid to leave it all behind. Paul doesn't say that they are therefore less, more unloved, or lost. Actually, he points out that folks who might make them go against their conscience are causing them to stumble.

If you ask me sis, and this might sound backwards, you're taking steps toward stronger faith. Slowly, you're letting go of your walker and taking steps without it. What was your walker? What helped you feel secure before you began to step away?

I can see too, how you would feel so vulnerable at a time like this. You're going through some major changes. What does your brother's throwing Scriptures out there with ease mean to you? What does your not having that ability mean? Most importantly, what are you wanting to gain in an exchange like that, if you have equal abilities? Validation? Acceptance? ?

No doubt, you've got a butt-load of stuff on your plate right now. None of us here expect you to agree with us, to prove yourself, or anything. You are welcome to unload here, anytime.

Wanna hear something funny? My brother is a chemical engineer and is a staunch Baptist too!

Amie

[sarahb]

Nancy,

I suppose you are right regarding children, they have their own path. I won't be a perfect mom, and all of my theology won't be perfect, but I suppose that old fear creeps in that if I am not training up my children in the Lord, they will 'not turn out' because of it...whatever that means.


I am willing to walk with you Sarah.
God gave me an oasis in my wilderness (bagel church). Lets look and see what he has given you. (maybe this place)
Blessings,


Thank you.


Amie,


The feelings that you describe, many folks go through when they learn something brand new that only affects everything . My friend says that it goes from like "Ohhh", to "Uh-oh!" I would say that you're in your "uh-oh" moment! I bet you that everyone here can attest to going through it at least once in their lives.


That is so true. When I see something new, at first it is awesome, I see! But then reality sets in, what will be the ramifications of this? I am driven to learn about this bible, and yet apart of me wants to hold back, do I want to know more, isolate myself more?


Presence hosts a course called "Transformations" that really gets into the details on it. Kevin Beck leads it, I'm the side-kick (haha). You might find it helpful.


What does it get into the details on? Seeing fulfilled eschology?

It is funny you mention romans, I was thinking about that the other day in regards to my good friend. She came and visited me the other day. She is such a precious woman, I love her dearly and see the gentleness of Jesus in her, and yet she doesn't see the absurdity craziness in her doctrine, which used to be mine. Before she left we got into a discussion about saten. It is weird, but she says with her mouth how big God is, and yet saten and human will trumps God everytime. I mentioned that I didn't believe saten was a fallen angel, but something created by God for His purposes. I think that blew her away, if only she knew that was the tip of the iceburg.

Anyway, I was thinking about if she opened up my drawer and saw the liquor, I think my testimony would be destroyed. I don't think she could recieve anything from me if she knew. Would this mean that I should give it up for her?


What was your walker? What helped you feel secure before you began to step away?


What things did I do that made me feel like I was ok with God? Is that what you are asking? I would say the things that made me feel secure was praying at an appointed time, although I haven't done that for years. It just hit me, the thing that makes me feel safe is when others appove. I feel that on the internet and maybe thats why I spend time here, it validates my beliefs. I feel very insecure in real life because I feel like I'll have to 'sell' what I believe in order to get approval. I need to get over that and allow the approval to come from God and peace within.


What does your brother's throwing Scriptures out there with ease mean to you? What does your not having that ability mean? Most importantly, what are you wanting to gain in an exchange like that, if you have equal abilities? Validation? Acceptance? ?


I think I answered this above. If someone really smart can intellectually overcome my arguement, then I won't get approval, acceptance or validation.

Did you ever feel this way? Intimidated by your smart baptist in-laws? That is too funny that your brother-n-law is a baptist chemical engineer.

Sarah

[Amie]

Sarah,

Well, the Baptist chemical engineer is my brother. I'm not sure whether that is better or worse, lol!


Did you ever feel this way? Intimidated by your smart baptist in-laws?

Not by my brother, no... and I'm not sure that intimidation is what I experienced though I'm trying to go somewhere with this myself and to stay open to do it.

My response in the face of what I felt would be a painful reality (or what actually was one) was either fight or freeze. In the eyes of my stepdad and dad growing up, I was just a girl. I was nothing.

Well, I could acheive being a good girl by doing the things that girls were supposed to do, well. What a crock, right?

Anyhow, as an adult when confronted by men who felt that way, I would fight. I was fighting for empowerment and for life. If I could convince these church leaders that I was just as valuable in God's eyes, and just as worthy of leadership, then I and other women could be included -- an actual thriving and working member of the body of Christ.

I guess if I hadn't felt intimidated in some way, it wouldn't have mattered what these men thought.

I did grow up to realize what it was I was fighting for and to know that I could give that to me, by as you said, "allow the approval to come from God and peace within". I'm so happy that you are embarking on that yourself. Like Dr Phil says though, "Life is managed, not cured". It's an ongoing thing and when one thing becomes natural, there's always the next, heh.


What does it get into the details on? Seeing fulfilled eschology?

Not really. Covenantal transformation means that God has accepted us. In your heart it seems like you and I agree on this (God's acceptance). Fulfilled eschatology supports that. Anyhow, he goes some into the setting that Jesus was in and the choices that he had, and that he made.

Covenantal transformation leads to Personal transformation.. like what we've been talking about. Then our personal transformation leads to organizational transformation. Organization includes family and I'm sure that you see how this is all connected via your own experience? Then organizational transformation leads to societal transformation.

So of course, the course goes into detail in each "quadrant" (..they call it, I giggle when I read it for no good reason, lol).

It can be nice to be able to talk about these things in a group of people having similar experiences - and even people on other sides of the planet.

If you're not interested in that, I won't take it personally :). I'm just throwin' an option out there if it interests you.

Amie

[Amie]

And, if I'm prying too much, just don't answer this and I'll understand. I'm just wondering if you feel that the alcohol is becoming a problem?

[sarahb]

Hey Amie,

You know I'm kind of cyclical. I go through times where I drink more and then periods where I don't drink at all. I don't know. I don't want to throw out the possiblility and then end up on Oprah, but then I don't want to make it something it isn't. That carries its own consequenses, I think guilt makes things worse.

I don't like to get drunk, I like the warm fuzzy feeling. But sometimes I think that I should be dealing with something instead of medicating myself. That's what I think. I hope you don't see me on Oprah.:)

[backtothefuture]

Hi Sarah,
My husband is a recovering alcoholic. Sober now 20 years:biggrinbounce: When I was in my fundamental days, I looked at him sometimes like a failure. He drank and smoke. I use to pray like crazy about all that sin in his life.
Then one day I woke up on my journey and said, "Nancy, you never drank, or smoked or did drugs" but you use food as your drug of choice. That really hit me hard. Somehow, using food to fuel what was eating me, was more "acceptable" especially in Christian circles.
When I sat through my transforming, the first thing I had to do was apologize to my husband. To tell him how sorry I was for my part in the hard parts of our marriage. You said in one post you were jealous of my bagel Church (at least I think it was you) and sometimes I feel jealous of you young ones. I am 55 and learned late in life some of the heart awakening things I needed to learn. You have a lot of time to walk in the awakening of being face to face and free. I don't care if a person eats 1000 carrots a day. If they are doing it to cover something they don't want to face or feel then there is some work to be done.
I also was thinking about your story today and the anxiety you feel about the Baptist relatives. For years I wallowed in grief that not one person in my family was a "Christian" or "Saved". If only I had a praying mom and brothers and sisters my life would have been so different. In the end that turned out to be a blessing. Because as I started to transform I didn't have the burden of dealing with a fundamental Family. They could have cared less what journey I was on! So I didn't have to try to validate in speech anyway, my new beliefs, I just started living my new found belief.Yesterday Sarah, my sister, who lives 3 blocks away and is two years younger called me and told me I was her Rock. I about fell over. I grieved for so many years over what I thought I should have had with my family and what I thought as a "Christan" I should have produced in my live and those around me. It turned out that out of 4 siblings, I was the only "Christian" and I had the breakdown.
If you think the alcohol is a problem try an AA meeting, they are free. Living in a small town, I know it may not be so easy.
I have days that I just have to stuff that chocolate down my face, but I don't beat myself up about it anymore. But I do realize now why I am doing it. Its getting less and less.:clap2:
Have a good night Sarah.
Many nights I lay in bed and I just sing, and I lift my eyes to the hills, from where my help is coming.
Help is on the way!
Blessings,
Nancy;)

[Paige]

I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to get on today and get in on this wonderful thread. So many encouraging things being brought forth and shared. Sarah, I hope you have experienced some comfort and relief from what you shared.

As for the "uh-oh" feeling, believe me, I have been there, and I still go there. Life is filled with so many layers that we dig up once we begin the search. My constant is just finally knowing that God loves me through it all and is with me through it all. He is with us all, "all in all"...

:) Paige

[sarahb]

Sarah, I hope you have experienced some comfort and relief from what you shared.


It is funny that you say that because I felt so light today, if you know what I mean? I think it is just helpful to communicate and be heard and to hear others experiences.

Thank you all so much.

Sarah

[Amie]

To my dear sisters: http://youtube.com/watch?v=nurWLBpAw6Y (It's not the right video, so just listen if you will :))

Just breathe..

Love,

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Pretty song Amie.
I was wondering as most of us are Moms here. Where do you all need the most help in your life? My kids are adults now, 26 and 24, but I really need help in letting them go. Stop thinking of them as kids. Any ideas would be appreciated. :biggrinbounce:

Sarah, how is your week going.:D Been thinking about you and hoping you are hanging in there. I spent 3 hours in court with my best friend this morning. Even though it was hard on my friend, we decided to where pink and red for Valentines day anyway:clap2: This is the third time I have gone with her. Its not somewhere I would personally like to be, but most interesting characters!!

Do you think Jesus asked for help when he needed it?
Blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

Where do you all need the most help in your life?

If you would have asked me this days ago, I would have told you that I was mourning the absence of parenting when I grew up. I see that absence every time I screw up as a parent. I just cried and cried realizing that was missing. I think that I was just too mad for too many years to get sad, if that makes sense.

I'm making it though, and feeling better. Who knows what the next hurdle will be.


My kids are adults now, 26 and 24, but I really need help in letting them go. Stop thinking of them as kids.

Mine are younger, but just a couple of years ago my son asked that I only offer advice when he asks for it. It has helped our relationship to mature into the level that it is at now, and it marked a beginning for my letting go. Maybe that would benefit y'alls relationship?


Do you think Jesus asked for help when he needed it?

Not only did he, but he was frustrated when his peers were found lacking:

Matthew 26
36 ¶ Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane. And He said to the disciples, Sit here, until going away, I shall pray there.
37 And taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, He began to grieve and to be deeply troubled.
38 Then He said to them, My soul is deeply grieved, even unto death. Stay here and watch with Me.
39 And going forward a little, He fell on His face, praying, and saying, My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.
40 And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And He said to Peter, So! Were you not able to watch one hour with Me?
41 Watch and pray, that you do not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is eager, but the flesh is weak.
42 Again, going away a second time, He prayed, saying, My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to pass away except I drink it, let Your will be done.
43 And coming, He again found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.
44 And leaving them, going away again, He prayed a third time, saying the same word.
45 Then He came to His disciples and said to them, Sleep on, and rest for what time remains. Behold, the hour draws near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.
46 Rise up, let us go. Behold, the one betraying Me draws near.

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Hi Amie,
I can so relate to how you felt about the mourning the absence of parenting. My mom was very non-nurturing and my dad abusive. I kind of did it backwards from you. I got really sad and then mad. The mad part though is what really helped me break through to what the true part of me was feeling. I hope you find healing in this area of your life. My parents are 87 and 85 now and its a totally different ballgame. Now they are like the children and I am the parent. I wouldn't be able to even see them or help them out at this stage of the game though if I hadn't sat through my grief about it all and sorted it out.

My 24 year old son lives at home and we finally made a deal last week. He says I tell him or remind him about stuff to many times. And I know I do. So he has permission to fine me now if I ask him more than once. But I also get to fine him if I ask him to lets say take out the garbage and he doesn't do it.

I kind of feel like I am in torment lately. I was thinking of the exact passage you wrote from Matthew. Jesus was in torment I think in those passages. I pray at night and ask God to help me how to choose.
My husband wants to move to Arizona. He hates his job, always wanted to go live there. He can get work there now. And the weather would be great for my Fibromyalgia. But... My parents are dying, my kids are here in town. My sister 5 minutes away and my brother. My best friend in the entire world also.
I am so torn. If I say, OK lets go to Arizona, it will give my husband and I a chance to have time together and alone for the first time in 28 years. But I will have to leave everyone in my life behind.
Also, when I was in my grief about my childhood and family, I just assumed I would grieve and that would be that. Nothing would change but the way I looked at the situation. So now in the last month my dad has put his head in his hands and sobbed, please don't move to Arizona until I die. My sister called me last week and said I was her rock. My younger brother who can be Rather sarcastic like our dad called me yesterday and said I don't want you to move. I am like in shell shock or something. This is a family that pretty much has left me out to pasture. I loved them all in-spite of the un-returned feelings for most of my life and now they say things like this.
So ladies, what would you do? I am thinking to just try to rest about it. Maybe it will play out the way its suppose to play out. Otherwise, I also, wish this cup to pass from me.....

Blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

Nancy,

If you didn't feel guilty for either choice, which choice would you make?

Amie

[Paige]

Great question (Amie's above)! From what you've written, it sounds like pressure from extended family is being applied to "guilt" you into conformity. (I could be reading it wrong, so feel free to correct me.)

Paige

[backtothefuture]

Amie,
What good timing on that question. I just cried all the way home from Target thinking my family is trying to make me feel guilty. My brother for sure. I know that.
My kids I decided the problem is I don't trust God to take care of them as good as I can. Or maybe if I leave here I won't be able to control what happens or be here if something happens to them. Haven't quite put that together.
But for awhile now, I know this sounds sappy, but my yearning has been for my husband. It hasn't been like that for a lot of years. When we had our 25th and I was in so much grief over our marriage and my life, I never thought I could have any happiness in this marriage. But as I started healing and transforming, I asked God for 25 good years now. And I think we need to go to Arizona to get that. We need to be without the kids and just have our golden years together. But it scars me. Moving away from my comfort zone.
I am not worried about making new friends. I am outgoing that way. I have so many at Bagel Church that by the time I talked to everyone today I hardly was hungry for my bagel anymore, When I started there, I didn't know anyone. So I know I can adapt that way.
But the thought of possibly not being around to see grandchildren and those kinds of things have me kind of thinking I guess.
My kids have been my life. My marriage here was so hard for most of it that they were my focus. Letting them go and move forward has been hard. But I know if my heart, I have to let them go. They are good kids, smart, and maybe their path would be a little easier for them if I stepped back a little.
So Amie, to answer your question. Even though I am torn, I think I want to go to Arizona.
Nancy

[Amie]

Even though I am torn, I think I want to go to Arizona.

Do you feel able to do that?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Amie,
I don't feel I am able to go yet, but maybe when the timing is right. I guess I won't know unless it happens. All I know is I am making myself sick over it all. My husband is really pressuring the Arizona thing. The problem being in our marriage that the pattern has usually been I end up just saying FINE!! Then he thinks I agreed and when I am devastated down the line, its my fault.
Ideally, what would work, is if we could stay in Arizona for the winters and come back here the rest of the year. But my husband and I are just 55 and he would have to work another 10 years before retiring. The other problem to the puzzle is my Fibro. I don't think I can take many more winters up in the Chicago cold.
I have tried to think of every scenario I can think of to make it work for everyone, but have not succeeded yet.
I want a season to be with my husband to see if there really is a part of both of us that can reconnect on a deeper and better level. And yet, leaving my entire life here... Oh... my feelings change like the weather around here:biggrinbounce:
Truth be told, though I am in a healing process, I still have some brokenness to deal with. Maybe, like I said, when the timing is right, it will all work out.:confused:
Nancy

[Amie]

How hard for you Nancy that you want to spend time with your husband, and to do for yourself, yet seem to feel so guilty for considering it. I don't see anything wrong with wanting those things at all, but that's just my opinion.

Would you make the decission, in your ideal situation, to return there for summers if you did not feel guilt?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

I could make the decision if I didn't feel the guilt Amie. And if I knew I could come back here part of the year.
If my kids were set and we see what happens with my mom after my dad passes maybe things won't look so difficult for me. Just not a black or white answer in this case.
We have been on a two year plan. Cleaning out the house and getting it to a place where when its time to move we can pretty much just go. Thats probably still the best thing to keep doing.
Thanks for all the input.
I actually think one of the things I am feeling is abandonment. I suffered so badly from this most all my life that I am worried my kids will some how think I am abandoning them and my family if I go. I am not use to knowing what it is I really would like. Or thinking about myself first. My life has somehow always been about sacrifice. Maybe that will change, do you think?
You see, to go to Arizona would take a sacrifice on my part. I would leave all I have here.
To stay, I would sacrifice the dream my husband has.
Nancy

[Amie]

I could make the decision if I didn't feel the guilt Amie. And if I knew I could come back here part of the year.

I was asking if you would want to return there for part of the year if you did not feel guilt..


Just not a black or white answer in this case.

Rare that it is black or white in life, isn't it?


Maybe that will change, do you think?

If you want it to, and then make it happen :).

Here's a 'biggie' ;) -- If your children and family did feel abandoned if you moved, would that make it true? Will you have abandoned them?


You see, to go to Arizona would take a sacrifice on my part. I would leave all I have here.

Do you want to leave all that you have there? (Minus the guilt, remember..)

Amie

[backtothefuture]

The Biggie :) I knew it was coming HA!
I don't know Amie. The truth is I don't know. If the kids and family thought I was abandoning them? Would I????:confused: Only physically:biggrinbounce:
They would always be in my heart, my prayers and if there was an emergency I could fly home and we have already said, they can come and see us any time;)
Its my fear, I just know its my fear bringing this to the surface. Maybe I am afraid to have some happiness in my life. Free of the pressures of raising the kids, taking care of my parents, siblings and all my friends whose lives are in turmoil. Maybe I wouldn't be needed in Arizona:eek:

Nancy::(

[Amie]

Nancy,

There was a day that I thought that I'd die, if I went to heaven. I couldn't imagine living in complete happiness. It was sooo foreign. I asked God if he would allow me to experience some happiness, just so I wouldn't explode later (that's how it felt). I can say in all honesty that prayer was answered and that I have been getting tastes. I can also say in all honesty that I am grateful for the time to adjust.

You could always buy a puppy? :D

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Thats another problem with this story Amie. We have a dog and a cat and to split them up is going to be so hard. My son really lives for them. I don't mind leaving the cat:biggrinbounce: I love him, but he jumps 6 feet in the air and down are door frames all the time. He has ruined this house.
My husband and I are attached to Chewie the dog. We are going to our daughters tomorrow night to hash it all out and see what her ideas are:biggrinbounce:
After all, my mom came up with the idea all on her own to live here with our son:biglaugha: and we never would have thought of that one! So maybe our daughter will have some good ideas.
Thanks for all the input today.
Nancy

[Amie]

Aaaahh, I shouldn't have brought up the puppy! :biglaugha:

We got our cat's front claws removed. I have regrets about it because like, I didn't know that there is more than one procedure for that. I surely wouldn't have chosen the one that was performed. I accept it though, it's done now.

We keep him in the house because if he went out he wouldn't be able to defend himself. We're lucky that he has a bit of a phobia and when he does run out he goes for the grass to munch ("salad") though if he looks up, he ruuunns back in!


..maybe our daughter will have some good ideas.

You know what they say!? Problems are just solutions waiting to happen :). You know what I say? I wish they'd hurry up! hahahaha!

Amie

[sarahb]

Hey Nancy,

My week has been going really good actually. Sorry I didn't get back sooner, but it seemed that anytime I would belly up to the internet to respond, I was overcome with sleepiness, so off to bed I would go.

Are you still deciding about moving? I live in Arizona. Kinda cool huh? Although I live in a really small town.

I would love to see you do your heart's desire and to leave the guilt. Guilt sucks!

Love, Sarah

[backtothefuture]

Hi Sarah, I am so glad you are having a better week. I have been thinking about you :)
What town do you live in? Anywhere near Phoenix?
We had a talk with our daughter on Friday night and she swears she will not feel abandoned by us if we leave:clap2: She has a good job and is a librarian and just loves her job. Its our son that needs to gets situated. He may just have to come with us. In the mean time we are slowly cleaning out. We want to get the entire bottom level, the rec room and basement totally empty and just live on the upper floor, so when its time to move we are set to go:biggrinbounce:
Blessings,
Nancy (who ate to many girl scout cookies today:rolleyes:)