Its hard being a wife and mom sometimes

[backtothefuture]

Hi Hi,
I have been struggling these past few weeks with my part of being the wife and mom in the house. With my Fibro I tend to have cycles where I dip down now and then and I think I am just coming out of one.
Even though we have learned here that we are not defined by what we do but who we are, this is still a struggle for me.
I can't keep up with the housework, I struggle to do the shopping. Most nights we are eating out now and that has put about 7 pound back on me, so all that did was make me cry. The bathroom looks like a tornado went through it, and when my husband wants to AHEMMMMMMMMMMM be intimate I am like, just shoot me.
Because I get up most days and fix my hair and put on clean clothes, no one would even suspect I am on disability. But my pain level is usually over a 10. The medicines I have tried make me very sick and I throw them all up. So basically I get no relief.
In the last month my husband has told me, nothing makes me happy, we have terrible communication, I worry about everything and why not take that 5,000 vacation and live a little. (more about that later) and when he wanted to have a little intimate time, I told him I was in so much pain, and he said, not his fault. So that is what I am up against in this house. I have tried to be kind and graceful to my kids and husband. I stood by my daughter when she was so sick and myself. I listen to my son puke his guts out every morning before work cause of his social anxiety and this breaks my heart. No one cares about me in this family. And yet they all run to me when there is a disaster going on.
My husband wants to leave his job and move to Arizona. I am ok with that down the road. But my 87 year old dad is dying and my mom is sick. ALL of my family and friends are 5 minutes away. I would leave everyone behind and it would just be me and my husband. I don't know if I am ready for that. He is having a breakdown with his job, I have tried so hard to not rock the boat and encourage him. So We have planned a trip by Amtrak to Flagstaff Arizona the end of the month. Then we are renting a RV to go to Phoenix to look at places. I felt like I had to go along with this or he would have just cracked. But the bottom line is. I will probably die on this trip. He is planning all kinds of things and I have said, I can't keep up at that pace. Anyway, maybe with some luck I will survive.
So being a wife and mom for me is hard on some days. I love my family so much and yet doing the things a wife does and taking care of the kids who are grown now has taken a lot of who I am away because of how my body is falling apart.
I don't want to be bitter, angry or resentment towards anyone. But I am broken still. Somehow I know I still am. So don't know what I need to look at next in my life. My cynical part at God maybe.
Anyway, this was way to long.
Nancy

[Amie]

Nancy,

I can remember feeling like a failure because the dishes weren't done, the laundry wasn't clean, supper wasn't on time, etc. I think that it was a Dr. Phil show that sparked one of those "ah-hah" moments for me. Rather than using the word, "failure", as often played in my mind, a person was asked to define being a success as "____". I just hadn't looked at it from that angle before. Me being a success as a mom meant breaking the doggon plates and spending time with my children. Focusing so much on the dirty dishes depressed me and neither the dishes got done, nor the children got attention! To me, it means loving them.

Somewhere along the way I read this awesome quote, "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success". I felt even more empowered because I realized that it was me who defined success for me.

I can relate to some of what you said. I was learning all of these coping skills and strategic parenting and stuff, and my husband was not on board. I was soooo frustrated!! I remember thinking that I didn't want to have to go first all of the time. I didn't want to have to always be the strong one. I wanted someone else to be strong for me for a change, and I wanted some effort from someone else! Like you, I was not feeling cared for.

I truly didn't want to stop making the choices that I was making, I just wasn't accepting my husband for who he is. Funny thing too is that as soon as I did, I realized that I just didn't want to do it -- I wanted them to do it. I didn't want to care for me and the family, I wanted someone else to and I did work to convince Bryan, to demonstrate for him, etc etc (poor Bryan!). It was all about inspiring him to do it and all of the while I had been unwilling or resentful if I did take the lead.

Isn't that something? In wishing for his leadership, for his caring, I was neglecting to take the lead and was not caring for me! The more that I cared for me after that, the less that I needed it from him and resented him for not giving it. I'm not saying that you're the same, just sharing my experiences. I still wonder though, if you're making the choice to care for you?

It sounds like you feel so helpless, as if you have no choice at all about things and if you do make the choice to think of you, that it's mingled with feelings of guilt. I can relate. We gals have issues, you know, and there are also times when I just don't wanna. I do say "no", and I tell my hubby that I feel bad for saying no. I feel as if I've let him down. Even with his assurances, I feel bad about it -- so I just don't think that feeling good would have anything to do with him either. Do you know what I mean?

Not only can we make choices, but we can work on feeling good about the choices that we make -- it's about caring for us.

Have you read Byron Katie's "Loving What Is"?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Thanks Amie,
I have read Living what is 3 times!! You would think I would get it by now.
I have realized that after 29 years of marriage i am not going to get what I think I want anyway. I am a relationship person. that is just who I am and my husband is not. He has lots of interests and could live the rest of his life just doing his hobbies and things like that.
I have come to a roaring stop in my life. As my Fibro get worse, I am very exhausted and doing for myself is very hard. Especially here when its -20 out. The cold just paralyzes me.
The problem is, I feel I am just sitting up in my rocking chair and rotting away until I die. I can't seem to connect into something that interests me enough to make the effort to do it. There are a lot of Bible studies in my area, and I just couldn't stand the thought of going to one. I am selling my treadmill, because I think it would be better for me to go out to the fitness center here in town. Its cheap cause we are seniors now.
I guess its the comments that bother me the most.. I am not perfect but I am not a mean person and I don't say mean things to my husband or children. But somehow, they can say what they want. If I try to say something like, thats not true, or answer back, then boy I get a double whammy. I know at this stage I am not going to get my validation from my family. But I also don't really feel much from God either.
I started writing a book 2 years ago. My laptop just sits here where I left off. I would like to start again on it if I could zap up some energy here.
Anyway, thanks for the input. Dealing with a disability is difficult. I don't know how those who are worse than me do it.
I want to be true to myself Amie at this stage in my life. Some of my physical pain I really believe is related to my emotional pain. Not rocking the boat around here is good for others but its coming out in physical symptoms for me I do believe.
My husband told me a fews years back that even if Jesus Christ was sitting in our rec-room it would not be enough compassion for me. I know he feels frustrated by me being so needy. And sometimes I feel he has been cheated out of a wife that maybe he had hoped for.
Oh well, I am thankful for the glimpses of grace that I have gotten over the past year. When I get a light bulb moment it helps me to take a deep breath and keep going.
Blessings,
Nancy

[Amie]

I am not perfect but I am not a mean person and I don't say mean things to my husband or children. But somehow, they can say what they want.

Yep, you say what you want, and they say what they want. Byron Katie says that there are three kinds of business, "mine", "yours'" and "Gods'". When we are taking care of their business, there's no one mentally there to tend to us.


I know at this stage I am not going to get my validation from my family. But I also don't really feel much from God either.

Is it anyone else's job to validate you but yours? God knows that he has given you that ability. He has created you wonderfully.

I hope that you'll consider listening to "Samples of The Work from Santa Fe" here: http://www.thework.com/MoreClips.asp . I think that you'd enjoy it.

Love ya,

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Hi Amie,
You sent me that clip a year ago. I must be going backward:eek: But seriously, I just loved listening to it again. After that lady who had her list talked about physical pain and anxiety and depression and eating and relationships and then mentioned she was a therapist, I laughed so hard. That is what I needed today.
And I need to find a way to stop my story. Its been 15 months since I have done any counseling because I felt like I needed to stop telling my story. But I am still telling it here!!
I don't know how to drop it. Suffering is what is. And the pain is what is. But its true that by reminding myself that all this pain is causing me suffering on top of the pain it keeps me in a vicious circle. Some of it makes sense, but some of it seems like you are trying to talk your self out of what really is. The reality is I have suffered a lot. But the reality is that so have a lot of other people. And the reality is that I am even sick of myself at times. How can I be true to myself by not acknowledging the pain and suffering?
Maybe I am just looking at life wrong. And marriage wrong. I don't want to put up a fake fall that says this doesn't bother me, or he is who he is and I am who I am and still inside be broken.
I mean, (and this is my cynical part)
Am I really just supposed to say, Hi, my name is Nancy.
I am just fine. I am in pain, but doesn't bother me at all, cause I am just fine. I am in a great marriage. He is who he is and I am who I am. Just fine.
I don't feel love, but thats not really true. I am just fine. I am overweight, but I am just fine with that. I am having a hard time filling my role as a wife. Is that true, yes. But drop the story cause you are just fine.
Am I on a pity pot, yes thats true. So drop the story and remember you are just fine:biggrinbounce:
Maybe in an odd way, suffering is my validation of who I am? I had a counselor ask me once what my purpose in life was, and I said to suffer.
How Amie do I let my story go without letting go of who and what I really am? And if I was able to let go of it, would something else fill the space?
Thanks Amie, for sending me the link and taking the time to write back.
One of these days I hope to get it!!
Nancy

[Amie]

Nancy,

Byron Katie said, "I don't let go of concepts -- I question them. Then they let go of me."

A red helium balloon was released in a classroom. For an exercise, the students were asked not to think about the balloon -- just to let those thoughts go. The harder that they tried, the more they thought about that balloon; which was the point of it all.

I would never recommend trying to drop a thought ;).

If you like, I would be happy to help you though "The Work", whether here, in a chat program, or on the phone. The first step is filling out that Worksheet.

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Thanks Amie,
I would love to do the work. I want to read the book again and listen to the rest of the things on the web site. Maybe after our trip to Arizona.
After I wrote last here I decided to walk to the library and see my daughter. I was thinking about Loving What IS. And I love her. So sore and tired I walked up anyway for a visit. She looked so healthy. 1 year ago she still was still not up to where she should be and I wondered if she would ever bounce back.
Her hair was all curled and she was in this great cute outfit. My heart just melts when I look at her and all she has come through.
When I left I told my son I was walking up to the library. And he said FINE, but I am not coming to get you if it rains. So I said fine and grabbed an umbrella. The truth be told, I knew he would come for me, cause he usually does. Loving what is. I love him also. What a pain, but I love him.
Thanks for letting me vent and sending me the link. Also thanks for helping me to remember to Love what is.. I think that needs to be me;)
Blessings
Nancy