Keeping Secrets

[Amie]

I teach my children that it is okay to keep secrets, as long as they are not harmful ones. Examples of harmful secrets are:

Harm to self - If you feel uncomfortable in any way for keeping quiet (happens often in situations of sexual abuse)

Harm to secret-giver - If the person is talking about suicide, doing drugs, etc.

Harm to others - If the person is talking about stabbing someone or beating them up.

In such examples, the effects are mainly physical. Let's say though, that the secret could be harmful emotionally.

What if we know that one person is cheating on another, or is lying to another, etc? If one person plans to harm another with a weapon, we would surely tell, but what if one person plans to harm another with deception?

What do you think?

Amie

[backtothefuture]

Boy, that is a hard one. When I started my healing, I didn't want it to be at the expense of the ones that hurt me. How weird is that. I couldn't say the things they needed to hear, because I knew it would hurt them. Mostly, because they had not a clue what their sarcasm or non nurturing had done to me. Now, looking back, I am glad I worked it out on my own. Because I am starting to see my 85 year old parents and other family members now through grace. Its not always easy, but has taken the sting out of the pain.
Will think more on this.
Nancy

[Amie]

Nancy,

That is a different take on this.. that their knowing will hurt them. Do you think it is the knowing that hurts them, or the actual thing that they are hearing about?

There is a thing called "passive aggressiveness" (you may already know) and it can be acted out by folks telling other folks what someone else is saying negatively.

Let's say that Jan is doubting John's honesty. Rather than being aggressive full-on, she just lets him know that Ann said that she doubted him.

Sooo, there are definately times when it would benefit the "John's" for us not to use the "Ann's" to hurt them - and rather find a way of communicating our own doubts.

There's a girl that my son has known for years and years. Her boyfriend was bragging about seeing other girls. My son let her know what was happening. He felt that the secret would have been a harmful one in that boy would have been able to continue his conquests (if you can call it that in Junior High :)).

What if you knew that one person was going to lie to another person to get their way? And what if they were both friends of yours? Is not telling (this is all matter of opinion of course) the same as allowing the friend to hurt the other? Is it any of your business in that situation at all? Why or why not?

Thanks for exploring this with me,

Amie

[Paige]

What if you knew that one person was going to lie to another person to get their way? And what if they were both friends of yours? Is not telling (this is all matter of opinion of course) the same as allowing the friend to hurt the other? Is it any of your business in that situation at all? Why or why not?

That is a hard one...I don't know if I could give an across the board answer on this. I think how I would respond would depend on the situation. My first thought would be that I would confront the one who was going to lie and try to work from that end. Then, depending on the depth of the lie, I might go to the one being lied to and let them know.

My husband was in a situation like this some time ago with some very close friends of ours. He had info that he kept completely to himself (didn't even share it w/me) because he did not want to contribute to a possible break-up of a marriage. We heard years later that they eventually did divorce. I think it boils down to the fact that each one of us has to live w/our consciences. If we feel a strong prompt from God either way, it is best to go w/that prompting.

Paige