Words or Action

[backtothefuture]

Hi all,
I would like to know what you appreciate or feel you need more of from your husband, or significant other.
Do you like to hear the I love you words, the affirming words, the you are beautiful words.
Or, do you prefer the action responses from your spouse or significant other like, fixing the cars, taking out the garbage, working on the house,
those kinds of things.
Does one make you feel more valued than the other? Or is either or both just fine for you:)

Thanks,
Nancy

[Paige]

I think I like a balance between the two. Of all things, though, what I like the most is time spent together.

Paige

[Amie]

Wow Nancy!

I've never thought about that before. I keep typing and deleting. I want you to know though, I'm thinking about this one...

Amie

[Jotham]

um, are da boys allowed to put in their 2 cents worth on this one?

awaiting your reply before putting foot in mouth publicly.

; )

thom

[Me Again]

I won't wait. First of all, Men are not from Mars and Women from Venus. My wife is not very relational - not that she's not a wonderful person, she just isn't relational. She's a task master. Now, I have my beliefs as to why she is this way - and I believe that it is nurture, not nature. I am not totally at liberty to share my wife's past, but suffice it to say that in her family of origin, she felt that if she could just get organized, if she could just make everything perfect, the problems would be fixed. She was wrong. She still is.

On the other hand - I am relational. Give me a party with about a hundred people in it, and I'd be the one with the lampshade on my head. If the 100 people were divided into groups of 10, I could use the same joke 10 times (making it more perfect each time I tell it). Then I could start my rounds all over again. What's wrong with that scenario is that, my wife would be the one at the party making sure that everyone had plenty to eat and drink. She'd be working her butt off, while I am making the rounds. Of course, I would help her if she asked me, but I don't see the stuff when it's in front of me. This is nurture as well in that my mother always cleaned up after me. It was wrong. It's still wrong.

My wife wants me to show my love by seeing what needs to be done and doing it. I want her to get all touchy-feely and amorous [I am a lover, after all :)]. Neither is wrong, but our respective responses are often an area of conflict. I need to be more observant, for her sake. We are making progress.

Sorry ladies for butting in, but after all; all's fair in love and war. You girls comment in the guy section, so....

Be yourselves people. To quote the Van Zant boys: "it's better to be hated for who you are, than be loved for who you're not..."

[backtothefuture]

Thanks all, I have some other thoughts after I read over the post again.
Thom and all other guys, sure jump in. Anyone who would like to discuss this topic is always welcome.
Nancy:biggrinbounce:

[Lou]

My wife, and imo women in general, need affirming in many diffrent ways. My problem is that I m not verry good at doing it.

[alicia]

I want both -- (especially in the winter time :) )because I try to give both.

Alicia

[Jotham]

Thx for the go ahead...didn't want to encroach on the girls talk if not appropriate.

I might ramble a bit but it should be relevant. : )

I'm 50 and been happily married to my bride (http://accrete.com/p-tgl/tips/04vertsmwht.jpg) for half my life. Before i met Cari (my wife) i had two long term relationships (2yrs & 3 yrs). All three were wonderful women i could have sprung the big Q and they would have said "I do". The first two though were not interested in spiritual matters so i never asked the big question. Then Cari came along and she was totally GaGa over God. This to me was paydirt. So as time went on and we found we were compatible (about 9 months) we decided to get married (and did so a year after meeting). So now the stage is set...

Now let me share what i learned from each and their particular needs.

#1 (my first college girl) was a Klingon. As beautiful as she was (and she was!) because her dad mentally abused she and her brother, both had horrible self esteem. Her brother was a very nice guy, handsome, a star athlete, yet in his mind could do not good. She was the same way. Saledictorian, total cheerleader, and would do anything for anyone, a real compassionate person...yet again. ZERO self esteem. I believe this lack of esteem was what finally drove me away as she dis'd herself so much that no matter how many times i told her she was wonderful, kind, caring, lovely, and "I love you"...No matter how many times i'd come by and help with a project...she still tore herself down. I'd had enough. Trying to share positive loving thoughts for two years and not seeing the individual improve was enough.

#2 (i met a year after #1...she was not a rebound! i just chilled out for about a year) was again, beautiful, kind, compassionate...with a new twist! She knew she was gorgeous and it didn't change her desire to reach out and help the needy, or hang with the underprivileged or regular folk. When I told her "I love you" she knew there were no strings attached and it meant the world to her. She loved all the flowers, cards, window cleaning, times i helped her parents around the home, etc...She got the whole shebang cuz she showed her appreciation back to me in kind.

BUT, I was searching this whole time (from 17, when i entered college to 24 when i met Cari) for a deeper meaning in life. I would bring up the topic with both prior girls, and they would just go loveydovey on me and we'd have another round of great sex. This may sound crazy, but my desire for God was so strong that i was getting board with the above lifestyle!

Along came Cari. Upbringing has sooo much to do with our personality! Cari grew up on a large cattle ranch and is a real McGirlver. If it's broke she can fix it (as long as it doesn't run on software...that's where i come in.) Cari's parents also went through a painful divorce when she was in her teens, this has left its mark on her by leaving her independent and self-sustaining(don't know if that's right...basically she doesn't need people outside her family in her life to be happy, though she can be a wonderful hostess! and enjoys company). I come from a stable family who's parent's were married up until the death of my mom...just shy of their 65th.

Cari, as i've shared in the past, with all due respect to The Rock, is my rock. She is my center in this world (and God knows that I honor him in my words and meaning here, He after all is the reason for all my seasons and breath). I once heard on Dr Dobson that women need to have their tea parties at a church social. Well frankly, Cari gets real board with all that Hollywood shallowness and bows out quickly. She and I are our own best friends. That might go against everything our society, both secular and religious states is healthy...but it's worked for the last 26 years so why rock the boat! That said, i should share that other than my once or twice monthly pot of coffee with my bros i don't do the beer with the boys thingy.

So how does this effect our relationship's needs?

We are opposites and a Yin Yang sort of energy thingy.

She likes the "I Love Yous", and cuddling, (and i of course LOVE it, i think it's a male thing) and she appreciates any assistance around the home (which i do without asking). She likes to drive. I like to navigate. We both feel we are "In control". Crazy how it worked out.

Before we married she knew that she would be showered with affection, appreciation, and affirmation. It's who i am even in the workplace with co-workers. I like to build people up. And she likes that part of our relationship. We both share equally around the home so i guess she's ok with the arrangement as she doesn't say anything either way.

I'll end before it becomes a novel.
: ) Thom

[backtothefuture]

Hey all,
Great responses. Why I was wondering is at this stage of my life (56 years old) and almost thirty years of marriage I have finally decided that one is not necessarily better than the other.
When I went to the John Bradshaw seminar he said the honeymoon was basically over in 18 months. We really marry someone to fill that hole in our soul. And what I have come to see in my own marriage now is I not only married someone to fill that hole in my sole, he was the hole in my sole. Which was abandonment. But once I came to a realization of that, I feel so free about it and not afraid of it anymore. And was able to sort out the false lies about abandonment and the true stuff. My husband has told me everyday he loves me and yet it just didn't soak in for me because the fruit, like what I learned under my fundamental years didn't add up. How could you love someone and still be un-nurturing, abandoning etc. But I have come to realize you can. That was possible, by learning to love myself and realize that we are all individual.
We have talked other times about the Cinderella syndrome. Just doesn't happen. I feel that has been a disservice to our daughters. They want that handsome prince to come and rescue them, when in fact I believe now, that God has given all we need to be all we are.
I think we go through stages. In the early years, you want the relationship stuff ( I personally still do) but with kids and jobs sometimes it gets lost. Then as time went on, The actions of taking care of the house and working to support a family, those things became more important to me.
What helped me personally deal with my grief of wanting things a certain way for so long was to sit down and thank my husband for all the action things he does for me. And now, believe him when he says he loves me.
Woman I have heard are the more relational, but not always.

I thought about the words of Jesus that comforted me, when there were no words here for me. Though from a fundamental view they still do comfort me.
Words like: I will never leave you or forsake you
Low I will be with you always, even to the end of the world.
Blessed are they that morn, for they shall be comforted.
Those words carried me when I had none here.

Then I thought of the action things Jesus did like:
Feeding the crowds when they were hungry
Raising up his Friend Lazarus
Turning over the money changers tables.
Turning the water into wine
Letting his feet be washed by a woman
Telling a crowd that was about to stone a woman, let the first without sin cast the first one.

So Jesus was a man of words and action, and both I believe were because of love.
Many of our divorced friends are divorced to this day, because it had to be one or the other.

So guys, give your gals a hug and an I love you tonight. And gals, tell you guy how much you appreciate him working everyday to support the family,
mowing the lawn, taking out the trash.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. Wonderful:biggrinbounce:
Blessings,
Nancy

.

[Amie]

After thinking some about it, I don't think that one is better than the other either. As a matter of fact, I think that they are examples of ways that people care for one another, yet at the same time if those things aren't there, that doesn't mean that one isn't caring for the other -- if that makes sense.

For example, I might wash the bed linen, wanting a clean place for my husband to rest his head. I love him, and therefore chose to care for him in that way. He doesn't need me to care for him since he is able and willing to wash his own linen, it was just one way that I might express it.

If I didn't wash them again, I don't think that means that I no longer care because I would know (and he would know) that he is able to give himself that type of care.

If he were to need it or demand it, I'm not sure that it would be an expression of care any more, but more like fulfilling an obligation.

If my husband is able to fulfill his own needs, what needs would I need to fulfill? I think none. I would be left choosing what I would like to do for him.

Affection in any form that my hubby is comfy with is awesome. It is truly a gift, when he does it because he likes it or wants to rather than because he has to.

My two cents :).

Amie

[Jotham]

Can opener + Bait shop = possible can of worms opened.

OK, NONE of what follows is being directed at any particular sex or party. And of course this has never (grin) happened to me in my life. . .

Lets begin from the old Paradigm, the one that has permeated nearly every culture and religion...that we are sinful and selfish in nature.

In that mode there are many instances/opportunities that one party will manipulate a situation and do seeming "favors" in order to get a "favor". Tit for Tat thingy. Scratch my back, and i'll scratch yours OR vice versa.

In the new Paradigm: Unconditional Love/Incorruptible Seed there should be fewer instances of selfish motives (and ideally none) for doing a project, giving a hug, etc. All would be from pure motives and out of U.L. and the pure heart within.

I wonder how many generations from now (when the New Paradigm is beginning to get out in baby steps) that we will begin to see any inroads into any group or culture that motives are pure of heart on a grander scale than just maybe a husband/wife here and there as now may be the case?

That truly would be Heaven on Earth. Think of the possibilities. That old John Lennon song comes to mind. He might have been on to something.

Just a ramblin' thought.
: ) Thom

I've been text messaging my son while he drives in a bus from San Antonio TX down to Gulfport MS to the base where he will get his next batch of training. Sunny skies and 70! I told him he's got the better weather than our freezing temps and cloudy skies here on the Oregon coast.

[Amie]

I wonder how many generations from now (when the New Paradigm is beginning to get out in baby steps) that we will begin to see any inroads into any group or culture that motives are pure of heart on a grander scale than just maybe a husband/wife here and there as now may be the case?

That truly would be Heaven on Earth. Think of the possibilities. That old John Lennon song comes to mind. He might have been on to something.

I think that future is inevitable actually, because freedom is a reality regardless of what people claim. As people realize their freedom, they'll learn to live it. Living free contains within it infinite possibilities. My imagination goes nuts :).

Amie

[Jotham]

I think that future is inevitable actually...My imagination goes nuts :)DITTO on your comment Amie. And i count myself doubly blessed that God has opened my eyes to the truth of this far reaching "Fulfillment". It is so wonderful to wake up each day knowing this is a beautiful place to live and breath in (regardless as to what my eyes may see about me). And blessed beyond measure that my wife and i were shown this truth while our two children were still at home and we could share such a positive "good news" with them. It goes so far beyond the typical message being preached today. Now i can hardly wait to share the message of the Incorruptible seed (in our filtered version from our fulfilled view) with my children and beyond.

: ) Thom